Road to a Happy Clone Club: Under Construction
by TheDeathlyMarshmallows
Summary: In which the clones are attempting to come together as a loving albeit dysfunctional family but their differences threaten to make the task nigh on impossible (regardless of how much misplaced goodwill and determination is pumped into the endeavour).
1. Midnight Snack

_Authors Notes: AUish story where the clones (Sarah, Helena, Alison, Cosima and Rachel - along with Delphine) are all sharing a house in the hopes of getting along, coming to terms with their cloneishness and making a family of sorts so that they all stop fighting each other - which will ultimately make their lives easier and safer. Don't fight it just accept and embrace it for the comedy value. Kira, Felix, etc, will make appearances at some point I'm sure. Also I'm very new to the clone club so please love me. Enjoy!_

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**Road to a Happy Clone Club: Under Construction**

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In which Helena wants to show Sarah a present she's prepared for her, but Sarah is rather unwilling given the fact Helena looks like she's covered in blood.

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_**One.**_

_**Midnight Snack**_

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"Seestra," the sound was soft and slightly muffled.

"I'm sleepin' Helena," was the reply, groggy and slightly annoyed.

"No, seestra."

"Yeah, sister."

"No. Must wake up now."

With great effort and already waning patience, Sarah Manning slowly opened an eye. The sight that greeted her was not exactly comforting.

This was mainly because it involved her psychopathic clone crouched beside her bed, the tip of her nose resting gently on the duvet, her mouth out of view, and her wide eyes staring intensely into the deepest, darkest depths of Sarah's soul - or so it felt anyway. Yet this was an expression which commonly adorned Helena's features (so all of their features, really, which made for a very unsettling reflection) and as such was not a subject for concern in itself. The thing which _really_ made matters all the more alarming was the fact Helena had dark smudges across her face.

And Sarah Manning knew Helena well enough to assume that those smudges, almost black in a room illuminated only by the light coming in from the open doorway, were blood.

"Helena," Sarah said, trying to keep her voice calm but firm in a situation which really called for panic, hysterics and a sense of impending doom instead, "what have you done?"

"You must come see, seestra," The blonde replied, and Sarah could practically _feel_ the proud smile appearing on Helena's partly hidden face, "I have made a present for you. "

"What kinda present?"

"A red one."

This didn't do much to calm Sarah's nerves, all things considered, but when your psychotic clone offers a hand to help you out of bed and guide you to a present they've personally prepared for you - "You are a stumbly, sleepy seestra, but I'm glad I didn't kill you", Helena had whispered kindly as they moved into the hallway - there's nothing for it but to try and roll with the madness.

In the clear light of the hallway Sarah could observe and clarify, with a sinking feeling, that the smudges on Helena's face were, in fact, red. This did not bode well. This did not bode well at all.

"Do you think Alison would like to see the present too?" Sarah asked hopefully, deciding that two clones versus one would greatly improve her odds of survival.

"No, this present for you only," Helena replied, shattering any hopes Sarah had of her continued existence, "Not horrible soccer lady."

_Wonderful_. Sarah forced a smile and Helena beamed back at her as if all her dreams were slowly coming true.

As difficult as it was, what with Helena's ever present penchant for murder resting uneasily in all of their minds , it really was best to indulge the blonde in her maddened fantasies of an idyllic sibling relationship whenever the feeling so struck her. The last time Sarah had attempted to explain that, by virtue of their repeated past attempts to kill each other, they were perhaps not the _most_ functional of siblings, Helena had taken Delphine hostage and refused to give her back. It had taken a lot of gentle coaxing and a pinky promise from Sarah that she'd go for a sisterly meal with Helena at a "nice restaurant" - which turned out to be a rundown kebab shop in the sketchier part of town - to convince Helena to let a very shaky and traumatised Delphine go. Cosima had swept her up into her arms immediately and Alison had generously offered to shoot Helena in the name of justice and the safety of their families, something to which Rachel gave a rather indifferent shrug to before taking a sip of her coffee, and Sarah found herself in the bizarre position of defending the clone who had once actively sought to destroy them all.

"Look at her," Sarah had said, not entirely sure what had come over her, "She's us. Just a very damaged us that needs a bit of-"

"Weaponry!" Helena had suggested enthusiastically.

"No, a bit of-"

"Ammunition!"

"_No_, a bit of help and affection," Sarah had finished quickly, before Helena could provide any more evidence to the contrary, "A bit of support."

"Oh, I shall give her support alright," Alison had declared emphatically, "The kind of loving support she showed us and which drove Beth over the edge!"

It had been at that pivotal point in the discussion that Alison had strode forwards and attempted to put Helena in a stranglehold, only to have Sarah intervene, which caused Helena to embrace one of her more murderous moods, which prompted Cosima to get involved in the hopes of breaking up the fight before somebody got killed, which made Delphine enter the fray in order to protect her lover, and all the while Rachel remained leaning against the kitchen counter, sipping her coffee and watching the proceedings as one might watch a very interesting experiment taking place in a lab.

The attempt at a house share, it seemed, was not going as well as hoped.

This was especially the case, Sarah pondered as they neared the kitchen, now that there was the distinct possibility Helena was either plotting to murder her or had already killed somebody and brought their body back to the house as a present for her beloved "seestra".

"We are nearing the kitchen." Helena stated, as if it was not already entirely obvious and Sarah needed help getting her bearings. "Soon there will be present for you."

"Great, yeah. Can't wait." Sarah replied, evidently becoming more and more proficient at lying as the days went by. She couldn't help but notice, in a very unhappy manner, the smears of red on the walls as they reached the kitchen doorway.

"Seestra, I will put my hands over your eyes now." Helena said, causing Sarah to freeze in horror. Something about the red all over the walls made Sarah's trust in Helena just that little bit lacking.

"Helena, no."

"Seestra, yes."

And that was that, apparently, as Helena took it upon herself to dart behind Sarah and deftly clamp her hands over the other clone's eyes before she could react. "No peeking, seestra. I shall tell you when to open them." Helena said, doing nothing to boost Sarah's confidence in the whole enterprise.

As Sarah was guided forwards she thought about Kira, Felix and even Mrs. S, and she hoped they were happy and wouldn't be too distressed if they found Helena proudly standing over her dead body when they came to visit in the morning.

Well, perhaps she was getting ahead of herself. Helena had become oddly attached to her. Maybe she was safe. Maybe she'd _live-_

"I hope you do not feel too queasy at the mess," Helena announced, "There was so much of the red and it all happened so fast."

Images of a dismembered body whizzed around Sarah's mind. _Christ_, maybe it really was some kind of weird killing in her honour. Alison would be _furious_.

They came to a halt. The hands lifted from Sarah's eyes.

"You may open your eyes now, seestra." Helena said.

Sarah did just that.

There was red. There was a lot of red. Absolutely and undeniably. It was on the counters, on the cooker, on the ceiling, on the walls, all over the tiled floor. Some of it was lumpy and it was more than a little off-putting.

There was also a small glass bowl on one of the counters, full of mangled redness. Was it..._was it chunks of a dead person?_ Sarah grimaced and prepared for the worst.

"Helena, what - ?"

"Jell-o!" Helena explained proudly, producing two spoons from the cutlery drawer, "I made it myself for my seestra. We eat together," she dangled the spoon in front of Sarah, who looked like she was going through such an immense shock she might drop dead at any moment, "Seestra, are you ill? Do you not want the jell-o?"

Sarah might have laughed had she not been going through what looked like, for all intents and purposes, a brief visit into a parallel universe where Helena was a very incompetent amateur chef as opposed to a serial killer.

But one can't keep one's needy and psychotic twin waiting for very long, unless they want to upset her delicate temperament, so in the end Sarah simply breathed "_Shit_" in utter disbelief, accepted the spoon swinging in front of her face and sat with Helena for a half hour, eating the world's worst attempt at jell-o while Helena enthused about sugary products and complained passionately about Alison's entire existence.

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_Authors Notes: There. I did a thing. I don't know if it's a good thing but I did a thing. If you liked it please leave a review because I will love it as deeply as Helena loves jell-o._

_x_


	2. Intervention

_Authors Notes: So I've just finished watching the first episode of season two and I'm becoming more and more enamoured with Rachel 'slam' Duncan. I know I really shouldn't but she's such a massive dork I can't really help myself. I mean how can you not love a character that can go from I AM THE ICE QUEEN to oH NO I EFFED UP I EFFED UP in like 0.2 seconds? It's a talent that's timeless. _

_Anyway here's chapter two - enjoy!  
_

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_**Road to a Happy Clone Club: Under Construction**_

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In which the clones begin to notice Rachel's compulsive desire to stare out of floor-to-ceiling windows and decide to intervene, only for things to go entirely tits up.

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_**Two.**_

_**Intervention**_

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At first nobody had even noticed it. It wasn't a major issue, in the grand scheme of things, and all attention was usually focused on Helena, who was a reliable and worrying source of both murderous intent and childlike curiosity.

In fact, not much attention was paid to Rachel Duncan at all. She was reserved, seemingly emotionless and expressionless, and did not appear to harbour any feelings of affection towards her fellow clones. She wasn't one for small talk and when she did occasionally open her mouth to speak it was generally to impart a snarky comment, a veiled threat or comment about some pearl of scientific knowledge that only Cosima or Delphine had a hope in hell of being genuinely interested in. She also boasted the unsettling quality of staring at the other women as if she were making mental lab notes to record on her laptop later. This made her clone counterparts less inclined to spend any time with her at all, aside from the rare highly awkward greeting in the morning or the even less frequent request for her to pass the jam or marmalade at breakfast.

Rachel Duncan was an oddity, it was agreed between Sarah, Alison and Cosima, which was saying something considering they all shared a house with Helena. Yet, interestingly enough, it was Helena who first noticed Rachel's peculiar habit.

"She is strange," Helena had observed, sitting uncomfortably close to Sarah on a sofa one afternoon, "always on the phone. Always looking out a window. Blah blah I am proclone blah blah experiment this, experiment that, blah blah," She'd blown a raspberry before continuing, much to Sarah's distaste as most of Helena's spit ended up on her face, "boring little sheep doing boring little window things. Seestra and I are much better. We have _connection_."

Despite the unwelcome face stroking which Helena had then embarked upon - whispering _"We are family and I love you, seestra"_ repeatedly and with growing intensity - Sarah had to admit the blonde had a point. Rachel really did spend an awful amount of time staring out of windows, looking authoritative and vaguely dramatic. If she happened to be on the phone at the time it seemed to make the staring-out-a-window experience all the more satisfying for her.

Sarah had brought up the topic to Alison and Cosima after dinner that night, in a hushed tone as Rachel was stood in front of a window to the side of them, gazing sombrely into the distance. Alison had agreed that now she came to think of it, if there was a window in a room it was a guaranteed fact that Rachel, upon entering, would gravitate towards it immediately. Cosima swore she'd once seen Rachel staring intently at one of the windows despite its blinds being pulled down. This was the exact moment in which the trio realised Rachel had a genuine problem, aside from her obsessive need for control _at all times_ and her occasional flights in complete ruthlessness, and that they were going to have to stage an intervention.

"She can't keep staring out of windows her whole life," Sarah had said conclusively, "she's strange enough as it is and Helena's a total clusterfuck. I'll be damned if I'm 'gonna let another one of us go completely batshit."

It was at breakfast of the next day when Rachel got out of her seat and began to drift towards a window again. Helena was thankfully still in bed and Delphine was doing a quick run to the nearest shop to buy some croissants, which she had gained a sudden craving for after talking enthusiastically about the wonderful patisserie's back in France.

Sarah and Alison exchanged glances across the table. Cosima unhelpfully had her head buried in some sciencey book about neurology so Sarah gave her a generous kick under the table, causing the dreadlocked clone to let out a small yelp and glare at her. Sarah motioned her head in the direction of Rachel, who was almost entirely pressed up against the window. Cosima gave a small "Ooooh," and slowly closed her book. The three clones nodded at one another and all rose to their feet at the same time. They cautiously closed in on their prey.

"Rachel, are you feeling quite well?" Alison began, in the motherly way that only she could manage. The trio came to a halt between the sofas in the living area, a few feet away from Rachel's back.

"Of course I am. Why the sudden interest?" Came the reply. Unsurprisingly to everyone involved, Rachel's tone was devoid of any feeling whatsoever. It was because of this that her voice managed to instil a horribly unsettling feeling in anybody who heard it.

"No, no, it's nothing," Alison said hurriedly, "we were just wondering... it... well..."

"We've noticed your enthusiasm for windows," Cosima finished, thinking it best to get the ball rolling as quickly as possible.

"My enthusiasm for _what?"_

"Windows,"

"Also phone conversations while looking out windows," Sarah added helpfully.

Rachel let out a long, weary sigh and stayed silent for a moment. It was terribly exasperating being the proclone of such a bunch of imbeciles. Her stare out of the window became more melancholic, as if she were reminiscing over a time when she could gaze out of a floor-to-ceiling window in a well-lit, minimally furnished room all day long without being questioned.

"It is for important reasons," Rachel eventually replied, "none of you would understand. You are not proclone's like me."

"Pro-crazy more like," Sarah commented, having never really been one for manners.

"I think what Sarah means to say," Cosima said, ever the keeper of the peace, "is that your behaviour is becoming detrimental to your everyday life."

Alison nodded, one hand on a hip and the other toying with the collar of her shirt. "You and I went to the shop the other day and just as we started to walk back you got a call. You couldn't answer it until you'd hurried back in the shop just so you could stare out the window again."

"We're concerned for your welfare." Cosima emphasized.

One of Rachel's brows twitched a little, which was the closest to rolling her eyes she'd ever ventured. She still hadn't turned to face the others so her very brief display of an emotion called annoyance went unnoticed. Instead, she made it evident with her next words, "Gracious, who knew playing happy families would become so tiresome so quickly-"

"Look here, shit stick," Sarah interrupted, in the patient and kind manner that defined her, "the more time you spend standing near windows the more tempting it gets to push you right through. It's weird having you stood in front of windows all day and it's even creepier at night."

"Don't you ache being stood so rigidly in the same spot for so long?" Cosima piped up, always more interested in the physiology of matters. Her question went unanswered, however, as it was more or less drowned out by Sarah's continued rant.

"What if people in the apartment opposite think you're watching them - like a stalker or something? _We're a bunch of clones living under one roof_, the last thing we want is the police knocking on our door. If you wanna' spend your time doing this brooding crap then at least _limit_ it a bit and do it in your own room, alright?"

"I can't," Rachel lamented, and for the first time in her life sounded as if a bit of genuine sadness was creeping into her voice, "the windows in there are not floor-to-ceiling."

There was a very long pause at this, in which Sarah let out a noise of frustration and collapsed into the sofa behind her. Alison had an expression of clear disdain on her face, shook her head in disbelief, and then moved into the kitchen area to get herself a calming glass of wine. Cosima, in contrast, was looking exceptionally intrigued by Rachel's bizarre behaviour.

"Why do they have to be floor-to-ceiling windows?"

"That is a ridiculous question and I shall not dignify it with an answer."

"It seems to be quite specific and compulsive behaviour," Cosima continued, her hands making elaborate gestures as she began pacing back and forth, "you're also very particular about how things are laid out in the house...It's interesting...the rest of us all share a bit of an impulsive trait and yet you're very methodical and contained-"

"That is because I am the proclone and I have curbed any unruly behaviour our genetics have caused us to be naturally inclined to," Rachel cut in, back to her slow, monotone voice, "I have instead focused on our more useful traits."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Like staring out windows, yeah?"

"Like our intelligence, our affinity for problem solving, our determination," Rachel slowly turned to face the other clones, face expressionless and hair as sharp and unnecessarily aggressive looking as usual, "our ability to be utterly ruthless when the situation arises."

Rachel was staring at Sarah, in particular, and Sarah was glowering back at her. Cosima stood awkwardly to the side, glancing from one identical face to the other. Things always got a bit _intense_ and sexually inappropriate between Rachel and Sarah. Alison, who had wafted back into the living area, took one look at the staring contest happening between the two, gave a tutting noise of disapproval that implied this was a disgracefully common occurrence, downed her glass of wine and moved away to fill it up again.

"I think," Cosima began slowly, seeing that there were no signs of either Rachel or Sarah breaking away from their heated gazes at one another, "maybe Sarah was right. That you should limit it a bit, you know?"

"I shall do no such thing," Rachel replied, still staring directly into Sarah's eyes.

"It's not very healthy behaviour-" Cosima attempted.

"Well your coughing is not very healthy behaviour but I do not see that becoming a topic for discussion," Rachel interrupted with absolutely no remorse whatsoever and a hint of a triumphant smirk on her lips.

Alison let out a horrified gasp from beside one of the kitchen counters, to the background sound of her glass being dropped and smashed into a million pieces against the tiled floor. She was already half way back to the living area by the time Sarah had leapt to her feet and begun squaring off with the clone in front of her.

_"Rachel, you bitch-"_

"FIRST OF ALL, HOW DARE YOU," Alison's voice roared over the top, bringing a stark reminder to everyone in the room that she could be just as murderous as Helena when she wanted to be, "SECOND OF ALL, _WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT-"_

"Alison, Sarah, it's alright, _really_-" Cosima started, trying her best to hold onto one of Alison's arms and rein her in as she attempted to get close enough to Rachel to punch her in the face.

"NO IT'S NOT ALRIGHT," Alison declared furiously, struggling in Cosima's grip, "I'VE DEALT WITH LESS OFFENSIVE REMARKS FROM THE _PARENTS_ AT THE KIDS SOCCER MATCHES!"

"If you ever say anything about Cosima's coughing again I'll beat the shit out of you," Sarah said darkly, getting so close to Rachel that their noses were practically touching, "You might act like you're some kinda jacked up ice queen but I know you're a jumpy piece of shit deep down."

Images of Sarah shooting the window behind her at the DYAD institute flashed through Rachel's mind. A flicker of humiliation and a slight eye twitch. _Bollocks_. "Perhaps we should all agree to keep out of each other's business, then? Window staring included."

Alison, having sufficiently relented in her attempts to knock Rachel out, gave her a warning glare and took Cosima's hand in her own. She squeezed it reassuringly. "Sarah, let's go and visit Felix."

"What about Delphine?" Cosima asked worriedly, never liking to be parted from her _petite chiot_ for long.

"We'll call her. I think we could all benefit from a change of scenery for today."

"Yeah, you two go. I'm busy," Sarah said, still staring intensely into Rachel's eyes.

Alison and Cosima frowned at one another. "Busy doing what?" Alison asked.

There was no reply. The two clones continued to glare at one another, inches apart. Alison gave a huff. They could be like that for hours sometimes. It was entirely unproductive and inconsiderate. Maybe there should be an intervention for _them_, addressing their compulsive and weirdly sexual staring. She ushered Cosima towards the front door. "Well we'll see you later then."

"Try not to shove her out the window, Sarah!" Cosima added with a grin, promptly being pushed out the door, which Alison slammed irritably behind them.

It was half an hour later, with neither Sarah or Rachel having moved an inch, when Helena stumbled into the room in a dirty looking vest, jeans and her beloved green parka. Sleepwear was a foreign idea to Helena, who enjoyed wearing the same clothes on a permanent basis until Sarah forced her to have a bath and put on something more agreeable. The green parka was always part of the outfit, though, and was practically an extension of Helena herself.

She came to a halt and gazed wide-eyed at the two for a moment before padding over to the fridge and finding herself some leftover ham to munch on. She continued to watch the other clones as she silently ate and, once done, she moved over to them and situated herself closely next to Sarah. A bit _too_ closely perhaps, but then she was very fond of her 'seestra'.

Helena looked at Sarah. Sarah was still staring at Rachel. Helena trusted Sarah. Sarah was her family. _Sarah must be doing something important._

Helena slowly turned her head and fixed Rachel with a similar stare.

Whatever Sarah did, no matter how little she understood it, Helena would join in.

Sometimes it would be in a hostile, murderous manner and she might end up injuring or killing a few people.

But other times, like today, it would be in an entirely trusting and passive way that involved a lot of unexplained eye contact with Rachel Duncan.

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_Authors Notes: RACHEL YOU WINDOW STARING NERD YOU'RE TEARING THIS FAMILY APART._

_Also reviews are always as welcome as a glass of wine is for Alison._

_x_


	3. On The Seventh Day You Shall Rest

_Authors Notes: A huge thank you and bless your soul to everyone who has reviewed so far - your lovely comments make me want to churn out chapters faster! I love you all deeply. _

_Also I don't know where the idea for this chapter came from but you're all very welcome._

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_**Road to a Happy Clone Club: Under Construction**_

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_**Three.**_

_**On The Seventh Day You Shall Rest (No Not You Alison)**_

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"What if we cook like a...roast dinner or something?" Sarah had said.

"We'll all pitch in, you know. Help out," Sarah had said.

"Try and come together like a family, right?" Sarah had said.

"It'll be fun," Sarah had said.

_Fun? FUN?_ Alison ground her teeth together and began hacking at the broccoli with all the displaced anger and violent intent of a serial killer (which, interestingly enough, made her look the spitting image of Helena for all of ten bewildering seconds). But this wasn't fun. _Sarah had lied._ She had stared her clone directly in the eyes and opened her mouth and said words which were lies. _FUN?!_ This was a lonely deluge into the flaming pits of hell itself-

"Helena, Helena come here," Alison said desperately, turning to face the blonde clone with the very last glimmers of hope fading from her eyes, "you're good at chopping things up," (like bodies, probably, Alison thought, but she reasoned the two couldn't be all that different), "come and chop up the broccoli for me-"

"No," Helena replied decisively, slowly descending to her knees, "I can do nothing today. It is Sunday. The day of rest. I shall pray." And with that said, she outstretched her arms either side of her, closed her eyes and remained there in adamant silence, much to Alison's dismay and distress.

_Helena had been an absolute last resort._ This could not be stressed enough. The potatoes weren't prepared, the rest of the vegetables were an unmanageable mess given the timescale Alison had left until the beef was ready to be carved, there were no yorkshire puddings and she hadn't even _begun_ to tackle the horseradish sauce.

_ Alison's world was crumbling around her. _

Not that anybody cared. _Not that anybody had even noticed_. One might think there would be some kind of 'clone sense' that alerted the others to her extreme levels of stress and panic - but no. Such a thing evidently did not exist because there Alison was fending for herself in the kitchen. Isolated and abandoned and alone.

Cosima and Delphine were holed up in Cosima's room, apparently seeing how long they could spend making out with one another - "for the science", of course. Naturally it had been Cosima's idea _entirely_ and Delphine had given Alison an apologetic look as she was dragged out of the kitchen area and down the hallway (though Alison was skeptical of the sincerity of such a look, seeing as kissing Cosima wasn't so much an unbearable chore for Delphine as a pleasurable and rewarding pass time).

Rachel had been equally useless due to the fact she lacked _any_ desire to help another human being unless it had some kind of proportionate benefit for her. She also potentially didn't know the meaning of the word empathy, though this was something Sarah was looking into in her spare time. In fact, Rachel had been staring out of the floor-to-ceiling window in the living area for the greater part of the day, taking the occasional phone call and sometimes muttering something about "coming to terms" or "neolution". Alison had gained her commitment to helping with the cooking for one brilliant, dazzling moment, when suddenly Rachel's mobile had buzzed and the proclone had held up a hand to Alison to be quiet and sat herself down at the kitchen table, speaking very intensely in German.

And where was Sarah? Laughing and joking with an excessively high Felix on one of the sofas. He'd stumbled over uninvited and barely comprehensible and Sarah had been overjoyed to see him and ushered him into the living area, where they remained. Talking some bollocks about their wild and unruly antics as teenagers.

_Well it wasn't fair,_ Alison thought. This had been Sarah's idea and the least she could do was offer to help. Seeing as this idea had clearly _not_ entered Sarah's mind of its own accord, however, Alison decided to take matters into her own hands.

"SARAH WOULD IT CAUSE YOU PERMANENT DAMAGE TO COME HERE AND OFFER SOME ASSISTANCE?" Alison demanded, making sure her voice was loud enough to be heard over Felix's terrific giggles.

"Oh no, no, Felix, stop, she's getting angry," Sarah whispered to Felix in mock fright, a grin on her lips as she got up from the sofa to head for the kitchen, "she'll hit me over the head with a golf club if I don't go, no, really, Felix, _really_-"

"Don't leave me," Felix said mournfully, trying to hold onto one of Sarah's hands and pull her back, "I'm not ready, I haven't had time to mentally prepare. We haven't even said _goodbye_-"

But Sarah had already managed to wriggle her way out of his hold and was slinking guiltily over to the kitchen area, looking every inch the scolded child.

"You're so heartless!" Felix lamented dramatically behind her, spreading himself out on the sofa and pretending to sulk.

Sarah paid him no mind, however, as she came to a halt by Alison's side. Alison fixed her with a glare. She motioned for Sarah to take over from her station. "You can deal with broccoli, I assume?"

"I've only done microwave meals before," Sarah said truthfully, "and ordered takeaways."

Alison stared at Sarah. She stared at Sarah for a long, long time as if unable to fathom her existence, and then she slowly backed away to fetch a bottle of wine from a cupboard and pour herself a drink.

It was during this alcoholic interlude that Sarah put a pan on to boil and plopped some of the broccoli into the water, thinking that she was doing really remarkably well given the situation and her lack of past experience.

Alison, however, was under no such pretence and let out a horrified noise - a noise of pure terror and genuine alarm - upon turning around and seeing what Sarah had done. The glass of wine was slammed onto the counter and briefly forgotten about as she flung herself into the fray, becoming a whirlwind of the culinary arts in her valiant attempts to save the botched vegetable. "BROCCOLI _NEVER_ BELONGS IN BOILING WATER LIKE SOME MUTANT GREEN POTATO, SARAH. YOU STEAM IT! _STEAM IT,_ FOR THE LOVE OF DELIA SMITH!"

Sarah backpedalled as quickly as humanly possible, holding up her hands in a gesture of half-surrender, half-disbelief. "Whoa, alright, Alison, it's broccoli not a gun, no need to be so aggres-_SHITE-"_

It was at this particular and vital moment in Sarah's life that she backed into the kneeling Helena, tripped over her and fell - descending, as it were, into a mess of tangled limbs and confusion. Her eyes squeezed shut instinctively; interrupting Helena's prayers was surely a one-way ticket to a sudden and untimely demise. But, after a moment or two, it came to Sarah's attention that she _wasn't_ dead and that Alison was muttering "Oh really, is that _entirely_ necessary" under her breath beside one of the counters.

Sarah opened her eyes.

Sarah tried not to let out another _"SHITE",_ such was her alarm at seeing Helena's face quite so close to her own. Not only this, but the blonde was crouched atop her, giving her a distinct advantage if things took a turn for the murderous, as they so often did around her.

"Seestra, why do you interrupt my prayers?" Helena asked. leaning in closer than Sarah thought physically possible. Sarah was also reminded that she _really_ needed to try and teach Helena how to use a toothbrush again. (Last time hadn't gone very well - Helena had accidentally picked up Alison's toothbrush to use instead of the nice new one Sarah had bought for her, and just as Helena was vaguely getting to grips with the concept and was aiming the toothbrush for the lower half of her face rather than her nose, Alison walked in and let out a shriek that could only be classified under the banshee spectrum of high-pitched noises).

"I fell, sorry," Sarah answered, hoping Helena might take pity on her misfortune and help her back to her feet.

As usual, however, luck was not on Sarah's side.

"Yes, _fell from grace,"_ Helena replied, grabbing Sarah roughly by her vest and forcibly manoeuvring her onto her knees (not without a small modicum of anger and unhappiness on Sarah's part), "pray to God for forgiveness of your sins on this nice rest day."

Sarah dedicated just a split second to stare at Helena as if she were personally and directly taking the piss. "Fuck no."

This was not welcome news to Helena, who was always ever hopeful that her 'seestra' might repent her wicked ways and embrace the light. _"Bad seestra-"_ the blonde hissed, preparing to resort to more violent methods when suddenly a dull, unexplained impact caused her head to jerk forward slightly and knock against Sarah's, who didn't seem particularly pleased about having just been head butted.

There was no time to recover, however, as the onslaught happened again, and both Helena and Sarah became vaguely aware that Alison was stood over them, slapping them both over their heads. The impact was lessened, it would seem, because she was wearing oven mitts. _"Would. You. Two. Please. Stop. This. Effing. Twisted. Sister. Act!"_ Alison ordered, each word punctuated with a generous slap to the head.

(Rachel could be distantly heard in the background, asking very matter-of-factly, "Could you all keep the noise down, this is a very important call about double glazing-")

But Helena, in particular, did not care for being hit over the head with oven mitts and let out what sounded suspiciously like a growl, getting ready to launch herself at Alison. Sarah helpfully intervened, grabbing a tight hold of her sister and dragging her back to the floor alongside her. She shot a quick glare at Alison during the proceedings. "We'll stop as soon as you stop starring in the new series of _Hell's Kitchen _you shitting mentalist_-"_

"Hell's kitchen?" Helena echoed, having frozen completely, her eyes getting wider by the second as the unsolicited news sunk in, _"Hell?"_

Sarah had realised her mistake only too late. _"Oh shite-"_

The two sisters became engaged in another fierce struggle, as Helena fought to tackle Alison to the ground and Sarah did everything in her power to prevent such an occurrence from happening. Alison, having roughly estimated that she was now, in fact, two hundred percent done with the day and everything it entailed, looked as if she couldn't care less and headed back to rescue her marooned glass of wine from the kitchen counter.

It should be noted that during Alison, Sarah and Helena's positively furious interactions, Cosima and Delphine had entered the living area, with Cosima proudly claiming that she and Delphine had passed the hour mark this time - "a personal best". Felix threw up a hand to give her a celebratory high-five, which she accepted with great enthusiasm, and then she and Delphine took the sofa opposite him. Delphine was blushing considerably and Cosima simply looked immensely pleased with herself. She began chatting with Felix and one thing lead to another, as it invariably did when the two came into contact with each other, and they were smoking in what seemed like seconds to Delphine. She looked a little unsure, but exceptionally curious too, and still feeling victorious and a little bit invincible after breaking a record in time spent kissing, she quietly asked if she could join in. Felix and Cosima were utterly beside themselves with delight and Felix practically flung himself to join them on the other sofa, squashing right up to Delphine to maximize the experience.

There were still crashes and shrieks of annoyance from the kitchen area, and the occasional inclusion of Rachel's calm voice asking for silence in "these dark times of PVB laminated glass installations", but the trio in the living area ignored them. Delphine was soon looking disgracefully relaxed and had sunk back into the cushions, murmuring something about the DYAD institute, though in her impaired state she seemed to have gotten it a little mixed up with the Eiffel tower. Cosima, being the caring girlfriend she was, attempted to correct her, only to muddle her own words up and refer to it as the "die hard" institute, which prompted Felix to start singing _"LIVE FAST DIE YOUNG, BAD GIRLS DO IT WELL", _and Cosima and Delphine to quickly join in. All three were soon on their feet, singing and dancing in a slight smoky haze, and all three were blissfully unaware of the bundles of rage heading their way.

For Sarah and Helena were still scrabbling at each other madly, now both on their feet and tumbling towards the living area. Helena accidentally elbowed Rachel in the head as they passed her by, and Rachel let out a surprised yelp of _"NEIN"_ as if it were an impulsive reflex when she was put in danger. Luckily Helena and Sarah were gone as quickly as they had come and Alison was too busy searching for another bottle of wine to notice, so nobody saw Rachel freeze for a split second in disbelief at her swift crack under pressure. Within moments the ice queen expression took hold again, and Rachel was continuing her conversation over the phone as if nothing had happened.

The twin sisters crashed into the living area, Helena slamming Sarah against a sofa and Sarah tackling her mid waist, unknowingly pushing them both into the middle of the spontaneous dance ring.

And so it was that Sarah eventually held Helena in a headlock, repeatedly demanding her to calm down and Helena refusing to reply except entirely in Ukrainian. And so it was that Felix, Cosima and Delphine were dancing merrily around the twins, singing M.I.A.'s 'Bad Girls' as if it were the national anthem. And so it was that Rachel, still sat at the table in the kitchen area, had to raise her voice to be heard on her mobile, saying something along the lines of "DOUBLE GLAZING IS _TWICE_ AS EFFECTIVE AS SECONDARY GLAZING AND I FIND MY PATIENCE IN YOU ALMOST ENTIRELY DEPLETED-"

Alison watched the scenes before her in a silent and exceptionally dangerous kind of way. _Delia never said it would be so hard,_ she thought bitterly, finishing off yet another glass of wine and setting it on the counter. Well, why should she have to stand here unacknowledged - surrounded by humiliation, defeat and a doomed roast dinner? She wouldn't be _Alison Hendrix_ if she allowed such a thing to happen.

"AM I THE ONLY SANE PERSON HERE?" Alison roared in a manner which immediately threw her sanity into question, especially as she was flinging a strainer full of broccoli over Rachel's head and into the fray of dancing and fighting taking centre stage in the living area.

Everybody froze and a few moments passed in silence, with everyone's eyes on Alison. Even Rachel had stopped speaking, though her mobile was still pressed against her ear as if she'd die if it were parted from her. Alison let out a sob of despair and reached for her glass, only to change course midway and grab the entire bottle of wine instead, chugging it with great determination.

"...Christ, she really can drink like a sailor," Felix whispered, a hint of admiration in his voice.

Another few seconds of silence.

Then the faint sound of Helena, still trapped in Sarah's headlock, asking innocently, "Is the heretic still serving jell-o for pudding like she promised, seestra?"

* * *

It might have taken a lot of yelling and slapping and crying but eventually everybody was seated at the table for dinner. It was an unusual mix of burnt beef and entirely uncooked vegetables, which Alison served to everyone aggressively and spitefully. Everyone except herself, that was, as she sat at the head of the table with nothing before her. Instead, she clutched onto a solitary wine glass, taking a moment to stare each dinner guest directly in the eyes before stating sarcastically, "It was an _honour_ and you're all _very welcome." _Her head then promptly slammed onto the table and it was evident to all that she had fallen into another one of her alcohol induced sleeps.

Felix wasted no time in finding a pen and beginning to draw on her face, which Cosima eventually joined in with. They tried to rope Delphine into the mischievous and potentially life-threatening endeavour, but the blonde kept shaking her head and saying "Oh _merde_, non, non!" in between giggles.

Helena, meanwhile, was tucking into the meal with full force, shovelling raw vegetables onto her plate and spraying bits of food everywhere. This was to the disgust of Sarah, seated beside her, and also Rachel, who was sat opposite the two of them.

Sarah and Rachel's eyes met and they began another heated bout of intense staring, wherein Rachel commented, "You do not seem to be teaching our pet very good manners", and Sarah retorted, "Yeah well you've got a shit haircut."

There was a slight pause at the brutal honesty of such a statement, before Rachel replied, "It is a classic cut that is timeless-"

"It's some fuckin' alien headmistress haircut," Sarah interrupted without batting an eyelid, much to Rachel's annoyance.

"I think you will find," Rachel said patiently, "that it is termed the 'reflective' or 'glacial' bob in _many_ fashion circles-"

"Why'd you have to style it so aggressively and with so many sharp angles?" Sarah questioned.

"It is all about power dynamics and authoritative hierarchies, Sarah. I would not expect you to understand-"

"Well it makes you look like you've got a stick up your arse," Sarah said conclusively, downing her glass of wine.

The two fell into silence, their glares speaking volumes.

From the other end of the table Alison gave a sudden start, sitting bolt upright and causing the trio around her to let out terrified screams. Alison saw the pen and understood what had happened immediately (Felix drawing on her face when she was asleep was not an uncommon occurrence, despite her vocal loathing of it). She swung for Felix without hesitation, snarling as she did so. Felix, not wanting his beautiful face to be damaged, leant quickly and violently back into his chair, dodging Alison's fist but causing his seat to tip and fall backwards, taking him with it as it did so.

And so it came to be that the first attempted Sunday roast between the group ended in culinary disaster and with Alison lunging for Felix again, crashing on top of him and slapping at him furiously.

So it came to be that Felix did his best to protect himself, slapping back at Alison and yelling, _"Get this mad bitch off of me!" _whenever his laughing died down enough to allow him to do so.

So it came to be that Cosima and Delphine valiantly attempted to pull Alison away, only to be dragged into the brawl instead, with one of Cosima's dreadlocks being painfully pulled and Alison's ponytail being tugged back hard in retaliation.

So it came to be that Sarah and Rachel didn't move a muscle, and remained staring at one another indefinitely, with the quiet sound of a confused German voice coming from Rachel's mobile which she had placed affectionately onto the table as dinner was being served.

And ultimately for Helena, so it came to be that nobody was eating any of their food, so with cautious glances to make sure nobody was paying attention, she saw her opportunity and took it, enthusiastically demolishing the entirety of Alison's ruined roast dinner in one sitting.

* * *

_Authors Notes: At least Helena got what she wanted. She had her head in the game._


	4. Bend It Like Hendrix

_Authors Notes: Thank you so much for the reviews - each one is hella appreciated! Anyway, here's chapter four - enjoy! _

* * *

**Road to a Happy Clone Club: Under Construction**

* * *

In which Alison and Felix are 200% done, Cosima's love for Delphine threatens to ruin her team's chances of winning (or at least losing not quite so badly), Rachel is a big stupid nerd who spends most of her time on the ground and Helena is betrayed by Sarah in one of the worst ways possible.

* * *

_**Four.**_

_**Bend It Like Hendrix**_

* * *

Rachel was running.

Well, 'running' was perhaps too strong a word for what she was achieving. It was more like a very gentle jog or a brisk walk, but one with great purpose nonetheless. One gained the impression that she was in the middle of something _very important - _something that demanded _all_ of her concentration and intellect.

Where was Rachel headed to? _Triumph and glory_, or at least that's what she thought before Sarah slammed into her side from _out of nowhere_ and sent her sprawling to the grassy ground.

"Snooze 'ya lose, Duncan!" was the cheery comment as Sarah continued on her way, kicking the ball down the other end of the pitch.

_The indignity! The humiliation!_ Rachel had never been _pushed over_ before. That was something that happened to lesser people. People who weren't _proclones-_

_"Foul!"_ Rachel called, getting back to her feet as elegantly as possible for somebody covered in dirt, "That was a foul and I demand a free kick!"

Alison let out a sigh. It was a very weary sigh because it was the sigh of a woman who had made a terrible mistake. She'd organised a three-a-side soccer match in a field in the middle of nowhere between her clones, Felix and Delphine, thinking the fresh air and exercise would do everyone good. In a bizarrely optimistic moment, she'd even thought it might help bring them together as a family. Unfortunately she had failed to take into consideration that this meant she would be attempting to preside over Rachel Duncan. And Rachel Duncan didn't like taking orders.

"It wasn't a foul, Rachel. Her feet touched the ball first," Alison replied with infinite good grace and patience. She didn't give the blonde a chance to argue, as she surely would have, and instead began jogging down the pitch after Sarah. (The proclone attempted a half-hearted declaration of Alison's _obvious_ bias in Sarah's favour, but when it became clear to her that Alison was actually _all the way down the other end of the pitch_ and couldn't hear her, she trailed off and awkwardly began brushing herself down, pretending that she hadn't said anything at all and that wiping the dirt off herself have always been her first and foremost intention).

Sadly, Rachel was not the only problem player Alison was having to contend with. Though Cosima showed enthusiasm and energy, she was _definitely_ more concerned with trying to do tricks and show off to Delphine, who happened to be surprisingly talented at the game and boasted a great deal of facts about the French team and how they were going to win the World Cup that year. This tragically meant that despite Rachel's best efforts (which were not good) her team was trailing by seven goals to four as every time Cosima gained possession of the ball she started doing keepie-uppies, yelling over to Delphine to watch her "mad skills".

Delphine would reply by sprinting over to her, whereupon she'd whisper something in Cosima's ear and give her a kiss on the cheek, all of which apparently caused Cosima's brain the malfunction as she would invariably lose control of the ball. Delphine would then swiftly take possession and start running towards the empty goal down the other end, which should have been occupied by Helena who simply hadn't grasped the concept of the game at all.

Would Helena stay in goal? No. Would Helena attempt to catch the ball if it was booted her way? No. Would Helena try and tackle the ball off of anybody? No. But would Helena trail around the pitch after Sarah? Yes. And would Helena pass the ball to Sarah on the odd chance it came rolling to her feet, despite the fact they were on separate teams? Yes.

"Helena, _Helena!"_ Alison yelled, waving erratically at the blonde who was wandering confusedly after Sarah as she celebrated her fourth goal, "why weren't you in goal?"

Helena came to a halt and stared blankly at Alison. It was a very long stare that showed no signs of stopping and was made all the more unsettling by her refusal to blink. It didn't give off a particularly sane vibe and Alison found herself becoming increasingly uncomfortable as the exchange of stares went on.

Thankfully Sarah jogged back into view and gave Helena an affectionate ruffle on the head, giving her own answer to Alison's question seeing as Helena was offering none. "She was just helping me, weren't you? Having my back and all that."

"Yes but that's my point," Alison stressed, looking as if she were in physical pain at the flagrant disregard for the rules of the game, _"you're on different teams."_

"We are seestra's," Helena said, "and I love my seestra. We must stay together."

Sarah grinned at that, giving Helena a gentle nudge, "You can be sorta cute sometimes, you know that?".

Apparently Helena didn't know anything of the kind, quite possibly because nobody had ever said as much to her, and the news caused a sudden jolt in her whole body (which Alison and Sarah looked vaguely alarmed at) as her mood was instantly propelled straight into the stratosphere. In fact, Helena didn't seem to know what to do with herself or how to process such information. And unfortunately for everyone involved, when Helena couldn't get to grips with an emotion it tended to make her agitated and ultimately aggressive. Because aggressive was what she did best and aggressive was how she best knew to convey her feelings of immense reverence and affection for her twin.

This was why Helena suddenly, and with a _great passion_, punched Sarah hard in the face.

This was an unexpected development for Sarah, who emphatically believed she hadn't done anything to warrant a punch in the face and so hadn't been prepared for one. Had she been, she might have thrown up an arm to deflect the blow. As it was, Helena's fist connected squarely with her face and sent her staggering sideways, clutching her jaw and yelling,_ "SHITE!"_

"YOU ARE MY FAMILY."

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?"

"WE ARE BLESSED. I CAN FEEL IT, SEESTRA."

"JESUS FUCK HELENA-"

_"SEESTRA, NO-"_

"WHAT SO WE CAN BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER BUT WE CAN'T SWEAR?!"

"YOU ARE BAD."

"YOU JUST PUNCHED ME IN THE SHITTING FACE-"

"I LOVE YOU."

The soccer match was quickly forgotten about as the twins descended into another one of their unsightly scraps. There was yelling, slapping, strangling, headlocks - the lot. Alison watched the two indifferently, thinking wistfully of the wine cabinet at home.

"Does this mean we can stop playing now?" Felix called from the goal at the other end of the pitch. He was leaning against one of the posts sulkily, adjusting his giant sunglasses and pouting for all he was worth. Felix didn't like playing soccer. He especially hated being goalkeeper and having Sarah call him a "silly tit" every time Rachel booted the ball aggressively past him and into the net.

"No, we can't stop now," Delphine piped up, looking thoroughly distressed and unhappy. She dragged Cosima over to Alison to help make her case, ducking under a stray fist as Sarah swung erratically for Helena's face. "We're in the lead! We only need two more goals to win the match! It was first team to reach ten, wasn't it?"

_"I_ wouldn't mind ending the game here," Rachel said unhelpfully, having sauntered over to the group with an air of casual disdain for everyone (Sarah particularly).

"That's only 'cos our team's losing," Cosima pointed out with a cheeky grin, an arm looped around Delphine's waist.

Rachel shot her a glare. It was a glare that said she could kill her with absolutely no hesitation, given half the chance. "Well of course _my_ team was going to struggle with you and..._that,"_ here Rachel gave a gesture in Helena's direction, looking as though she couldn't comprehend her existence at all, "_she_ doesn't understand the game and there's a very strong possibility _you_ might keel over and die any second. The whole match was rigged from the start."

Delphine, in particular, was not best pleased with Rachel's latest effort at socialising. _"What did you say about Cosima-"_

"YEAH WHAT DID YOU SAY," came Sarah's recognizably angry voice, though it was slightly muffled as Helena currently had both her hands squashed against Sarah's face in an attempt to push her way out of the brunette's hold of her, "SAY IT TO MY FACE RACHEL, I'LL TAKE YOU DOWN."

"Really? You seem to be struggling with just one clone at the moment," Rachel quipped back, looking thoroughly in control of the situation and unfazed. She turned her gaze to Alison, who had been silent and expressionless the entire time and looked as though she might be having an out of body experience, "So are we ending the game here?"

There was a very long pause, the silence punctuated only by the occasional sound of a slap, kick or "Helena you crazy fuck, _calm down!"._ Alison, eyes still focused on some empty part of the field in the distance, eventually gave the quiet reply of a suburban mum who had stupidly agreed to live with her clone counterparts without quite comprehending the madness that would ensue, and was now nearing breaking point, "I think Felix and I should go and sit down somewhere and have a drink."

Felix, who seemed to have an _innate_ sense for when he was specifically being chosen over others, strode over to Alison in a very self-important manner and gave the rest of the group a quick once over, "We'll be over _there_, when you're all finished trying to kill each other," he said, taking Alison gently by the arm and leading her over to a patch of grass to the side of the pitch.

Another pause. The remaining players glanced at one another awkwardly.

"But this means we don't have a goalkeepie," Delphine pointed out in great worry, her brows furrowed as she looked to Cosima for help.

But Cosima's attention was focused on something else entirely. "Don't have a what?"

"...Goalkeepie."

"A goalkeepie?"

"Oui."

"You don't have a goalkeepie?"

"...Have I got it wrong again?"

"You're adorable."

Delphine let out an embarrassed whine and nuzzled into Cosima's neck as she was pulled into a hug. Rachel stared bewilderedly at the two of them for a moment, having never really grasped the concept of touching and human contact, and then decided that enough was enough and if nobody else on her team was going to aim for a win then _she would._

It was only when Sarah had finally managed to force Helena off her and sufficiently calmed her down from 'confused-murderous-impulses' to 'will-probably-still-try-and-kill-you-but-not-right-now-at-least' that she noticed Rachel dribbling the ball past her and shooting it into goal.

"Oi, proclone!" Sarah yelled, "you can't do that! We weren't ready to play again yet!"

"There's no referee," Rachel called back, picking up the ball and kicking it through goal again, "I can do what I like."

This infuriated Sarah for many reasons, most of which were rooted in the fact that it was _Rachel_ and Rachel was a _big stupid nerd_ and Sarah didn't like her. "Yeah, well two can play at that game!" Sarah shouted in reply and charged towards Rachel with great speed and purpose.

Rachel saw the incoming clone and was also infuriated. This was because it was _Sarah_ and Sarah was an _idiot punk dork_ and Rachel didn't like her. "What are you going to do? Try and _straddle_ me into submission like you did at the DYA-"

It was at this critical stage in their conversation that Sarah slammed into Rachel with all the force of a small comet and sent the two of them hurtling to the ground. Rachel let out a very uncharacteristic shriek, having been under the wrong impression that Sarah wouldn't _actually_ floor her, and suddenly found herself in a situation _exactly_ like that at the DYAD institute.

She glowered up at Sarah. "Get your hands off me."

"No."

"That was a foul."

"There's no referee, I can do what I like," Sarah mimicked.

Rachel huffed. Gave her another glare. "Idiot."

Sarah grinned, looking exceptionally pleased with herself. "Nerd."

* * *

Play had eventually resumed when Sarah had offered to help Rachel up, only to be shot down immediately with a resolute "Touch me one more time and I'll make sure you lose your head as well as your hands". This had been rather uncalled for but it was a mutual understanding between all the clones that Rachel had "yet to emerge into a social butterfly" and was still undergoing the rocky "chrysalis stage", as Cosima had put it when very high one evening. Rachel was a lot like Helena, in that regard, although she was much less prone to stabbing and shooting and was more of a 'stare-out-a-window-and-make-a-dramatic-phone-call-to-organise-someone's-untimely-demise-without-getting-her-own-hands-dirty' kind of woman.

Unfortunately for Rachel, without Alison as referee the game became rather more _physical_ than she might have liked (and it had already been pretty bad to begin with). Sarah had thrown caution to the wind and was merrily crashing violently into anyone who got in her way, which caused Helena to become rather aggressive and riled up herself. In fact, the twins seemed to be very bad influences on one another, as they both had a tendency towards the unpredictable and destructive, and became a terrible united duo of tackling and trauma. This meant that Rachel was bulldozed to the ground more times than she might have liked to admit. Cosima, in direct contrast, was spared any such indignities as Sarah adamantly refused to cause her any physical discomfort at all and made sure to stop any hostile attempts Helena made in her direction, ("You're only doing that because she has some ridiculously mysterious illness!" Rachel had called unsympathetically at one point, feeling rather hard done by, to which Sarah roared back with equal insensitivity, "YEAH I KNOW, ROBOT BITCH, THAT'S THE POINT.")

Cosima seemed to find the whole situation hilarious and was generally a laughing mess who had to lean on Delphine for support lest she collapsed to the ground. This worked on the odd occasion that Delphine was actually there to lean _on_, for both Sarah and Helena had taken it upon themselves to try and tackle _anybody_ in range, whether they were in possession of the ball or not, which unfortunately included Delphine whenever Rachel had already been shoved to the ground.

"I feel like this is not how soccer was meant to be played," Delphine lamented to Cosima after she was floored for the sixth time, lying on her back feeling more than a little bruised, "your clones, they are crazy."

Cosima grinned and leant down to help her back to her feet, "I know, puppy. I know."

However things took a rather drastic turn for the worst when Sarah, indulging in perhaps a little _too much_ adrenaline than was safe, suddenly decided that a sliding tackle in Helena's direction was absolutely the best life choice to make.

There was a shocked and confused scream of _"seESTRA"_ from Helena as she flew through the air. Everybody froze what they were doing. Even Alison and Felix halted their passionate conversation about musicals from the sidelines and watched in horror as the blonde slammed to the ground. Nobody knew what to do. Nobody knew how Helena would react (although the general guess was that it was going to involve _vengeful_ _murder_). Sarah herself couldn't quite seem to comprehend what she'd just done.

"Oh christ, Helena, I'm sorry."

There was no reply, which actually proved _more_ worrying than if Helena had sprung to her feet and launched herself at Sarah with five knives, a gun and a rocket launcher in tow. Sarah got to her feet and cautiously tiptoed closer to her twin, who was essentially just a curled up green parka on the ground.

"...Helena? You alright?"

A muffled mumble.

"Helena?" Sarah repeated, inching closer and nudging her gently with a foot.

Another mumble which Sarah couldn't quite make out. She could feel the judging eyes of everyone around her. _God, she felt terrible_. She lowered herself to her knees beside Helena, leaning in close and giving her a small prod with a finger. "Helena, I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?"

"...I'm not happy," came the quiet reply, and Sarah was suddenly reminded of just how childlike Helena was, despite all the aggression and murdering and general violent tendencies.

She gently tried to pull one of Helena's arms away, which was covering her face, but Helena said _"No,"_ and tugged it back in place again. Sarah chewed on her lip anxiously. "...You did punch me in the face earlier, you know."

"Go away."

"I'm sorry, Helena, really. I got a bit carried away."

"Don't want to talk to you now."

_This was worse than all the times they'd tried to annihilate each other's existence put together._ Sarah looked around for help. Cosima and Delphine drifted over and Cosima knelt beside Sarah, awkwardly clearing her throat. "Helena, it's Cosima. Are you ok?"

No reply.

"...I know Sarah's a big meanie for hurting you. We can all go home now, if you'd like."

No reply.

Delphine knelt down. "I...uh, I have a nice Disney DVD we could watch?"

No reply.

Alison and Felix made their way over, knelt down beside Helena. "We can play dress up again," Felix offered, "we can even dress up Alison this time." Alison looked a little uneasy about this but after a slight pause and being stared at pleadingly by Sarah, she gave a sigh and added, "Yes, it'd be lots of fun. You can even do my makeup."

No reply. The group looked at one another hopelessly. _Things were bad._

Rachel wandered over and came to a halt behind all of them, giving Sarah and Cosima sharp kicks in the side, "Move, move, I'll have her up in a second. You're all useless."

Nobody looked entirely convinced at this, but seeing as every other effort had been extinguished they begrudgingly got to their feet and huddled to the side of Helena, watching as Rachel sank gracefully to her knees.

"Helena, this is Rachel Duncan speaking," Rachel began. Everyone exchanged apprehensive glances. "As you probably well know I'm not exactly Sarah's greatest fan. In fact I've dreamt of her death on more than one occasion and woken with a smile on my face. However, she does harbour some qualities that are bordering on likeable, including her odd affection for you despite your murderous inclinations. She is now standing to the side of me looking like a kicked puppy," (here she paused briefly to glance in Delphine's direction and say "No offence intended", to which Delphine looked more than a little lost and confused and Cosima had to bite down hard on her lip to stop from laughing) "and that is because she has hurt you and I dare say she regrets it deeply. No family is perfect and I must point out that you punched her in the face less than a half hour ago and after a slight...tussle, she forgave you entirely. This leads me to believe that if you could find it in your heart to forgive her for tackling you, matters would be amended until your next fight with one another which, given your past track records, will probably be within the next hour or so."

A slight pause. No response.

"It would be entirely more preferable and productive if you were on your feet rather than sulking in a heap on the ground is what I'm trying to say, Helena."

Still no response. Rachel sighed and closed her eyes for a moment, as if mustering up all her energy and willpower to formulate her next words. When they came out, they gave the impression that Rachel was exceptionally exasperated with the world around her and all those who inhabited it, "There is jell-o in the cooler bag in the car, if you would like some."

That was apparently all Helena had needed to hear, as she was immediately on her feet and heading towards the car, pausing only to turn around and grab Sarah's hand in a rather grumpy sort of way and drag her along too. There were a few garbled mutters of "Bad seestra," and "You made me unhappy" before the two were soon out of earshot, Sarah glancing disbelievingly back at Rachel once or twice. _Had the proclone actually just lowered herself to her knees, given a small monologue and then referenced jell-o to get Helena back to her feet again? Since when did Rachel even like Helena?! Since when did Rachel Duncan do anything for anyone else?_

Rachel had straightened up and brushed herself down, looking as expressionless and unmoved as always. She turned to face the others, who were all staring at her in silent wonder. "We are leaving then?"

They all gave a united, slow nod.

"Good," was all Rachel had to say to that, and she was soon walking after Helena and Sarah in the dramatic and vaguely intimidating way of hers.

It took the entire group a few days to come to grips with what had happened and process the startling information that Rachel _did_ have feelings after all, including a mild understanding of compassion and consideration for others. Helena, mouth full of jell-o, had stared at everyone for a moment and then said that she'd known that all along, and if you looked at Rachel when she was sat on her own during one of their game or movie nights you'd realise she was probably just lonely. This seemed to be a bit of a bombshell for everyone else, and they had sat in a stunned sort of silence, only broken by the sounds of Helena noisily re-engaging with her jell-o and Sarah murmuring "Well, _shite_" to herself in disbelief.

* * *

Though it hadn't seemed it at the time (in fact it had seemed quite the opposite what with all the yelling and fighting), Alison's soccer match actually _had_ managed to bring everyone closer together. Well, closer to Rachel at least, despite her instinctive attempts to dissuade people from engaging with her at all.

("You 'wanna go like...bowling or something?"

"I'd rather hire my own hitmen to kill me, quite frankly Sarah.")

Regardless of Rachel's unwavering determination to _not_ become part of the clone club family, everyone did their best to include her during game nights (although she adamantly refused to play twister or charades) and Sarah made sure to squash herself beside the proclone during movie nights, despite Rachel's protests of "This is hideous, please remove yourself" and "Offer me popcorn one more time, Sarah, and I'll throw the tub at your head".

Helena and Rachel had also seemed to have reached some kind of strange understanding and acceptance for one another's existence, and on the odd occasion they could be found sat in the living area together. Well, 'sat' wasn't quite right. It was more Helena having pulled Rachel away from a window, pushed her onto a sofa and forced herself halfway into Rachel's lap, whereupon she'd attempt to read a chapter from one of her books to the proclone or talk enthusiastically about her day and ask Rachel how hers was. Rachel usually sat there looking vaguely confused and alarmed but every once in awhile a hint of a smile tugged at her lips and she looked less like the emotionless corporate proclone everybody had come to expect and more like a person who had simply found a friend.

(Or in this case, had friendship forced upon her.)


	5. Emails of a Proclone

_Authors Notes: Basically I'm heading back to university tomorrow for exams and stuff and I don't know when I'll have time to update this again. So I quickly smooshed this chapter together to tide you all over until I get round to writing the next chapter. Hope you enjoy it!_

* * *

**Road to a Happy Clone Club: Under Construction**

* * *

In which we get a sneak-peek into Rachel's inbox (she's forced everyone in the house to contact her via email instead of text - it's more formal and 'official'), there's a mass hunt for a missing book, and Sarah does something so terrible it makes Rachel go full hulk.

* * *

_**Five.**_

_**Emails of a Proclone**_

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Cosima Niehaus

Hey, I really need that book on natural selection back. I was only halfway through and it had some rad stuff in it. Also technically it's Delphine's and I was borrowing it. Also technically I was borrowing it without her knowledge and she keeps trying to find it and she's getting like crazy confused and stressed about it. Also technically she was borrowing it from the library and it's overdue and now she's been fined like $5 or something. So there's a bit of a chain reaction going on and it's totally not cool.

Like it's not my fault Sarah keeps calling you a nerd. Also not my fault she's started yelling "SLAM DUNCAN" every time you throw one of your scrunched up bits of paper in the bin.

Displacing your anger onto other people instead of dealing with the root of the problem isn't healthy. There's a whole book about it I read a couple of terms ago.

Actually it's really good, you should probably borrow it. A lot of stuff about whether violence and aggression is genetic too. I'd like to hear your thoughts on it.

I mean, like, after you've given me my other book back. Delphine's book. Whatever.

We're not on geeking-out-together terms until then.

Ollie out.

* * *

To: Cosima Niehaus

From: Rachel Duncan

No, you may not have your book back. You will suffer until Sarah comes to heel.

I would like to look at that book on violence and aggression, however, so actually we're both suffering and it's Sarah's fault entirely.

I have attached a link to a petition to evict Sarah from the house, which you may sign if you wish.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Cosima Niehaus

Did you sign that petition a hundred times?

* * *

To: Cosima Niehaus

From: Rachel Duncan

I'm very passionate about the matter.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan; Alison Hendrix; Sarah Manning; Helena

From: Delphine Cormier

Hello, I am sorry for the inconvenience but have any of you seen a book on natural selection in the house recently? I can't find it and it is overdue at the library.

Delphine

* * *

To: Delphine Cormier

From: Rachel Duncan

No.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Aldous Leekie

What is the news on the house sharing experiment? I noticed you haven't updated any of the notes in three days. Has something happened?

Dr. Leekie.

* * *

To: Aldous Leekie

From: Rachel Duncan

Aldous please stop emailing me with such petty concerns. Rest assured I shall update the notes when there is something to update about.

They all lead very uninteresting lives. Alison spoke to me about oatmeal porridge for two hours yesterday and I almost became comatose.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Sarah Manning

Oi nerd, where've you hidden that book? Delphine's too busy turning the house upside down for Cosima to get any so now they're both stressy as shit.

You're ruining lives, Duncan. Ruining lives.

* * *

To: Sarah Manning

From: Rachel Duncan

Perhaps if you curbed your disagreeable behaviour the book would somehow find its way back to Cosima and Delphine's room.

As it is, its location will remain a well kept secret.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Sarah Manning

Don't make me bombard you with hundreds of messages again cos I will - and we both know how unorganized it'll make your inbox and how twitchy you'll get.

* * *

To: Sarah Manning

From: Rachel Duncan

You are treading on very thin ice.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Sarah Manning

Shite, call the cops, I'm terrified.

* * *

To: Sarah Manning

From: Rachel Duncan

I could hold an entire meeting about terminating you as a test subject and still sleep soundly at night. Don't test me.

Rachel Duncan

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Sarah Manning

Well you know me, Rachel, I've always been a bit of a daredevil.

Email bombardment starts in 3... 2...

* * *

To: Sarah Manning

From: Rachel Duncan

I will make your life so unbearable that people will start to mistake me for your evil clone instead of Helena.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Sarah Manning

**(50 NEW MESSAGES)**

...1.

It all starts here.

It can stop here as well, you just gotta tell me where the book is.

I'll do this all day, like I'm bored and there's nothing else to do.

I can hear your inbox pinging from my room.

You annoyed yet?

Also have you been working all day cos I heard you get up at 5 this morning and you haven't left the kitchen table since.

That's insane like don't you get bored?

What're you even typing about?

Are you typing about me?

Are you typing up notes about me?

Fuck, you don't have a crush on me do you?

Shite.

Hey, if I peer round my door and look down the hallway I can see you sat at the table.

Rachel, look at me.

Rachel.

I can see you.

Hey Rachel.

Proclone geek.

[Rachel Duncan voice] HELLO. RACHEL DUNCAN.

Christ your hair is so weird from so many angles.

Rachel.

Come on, Rachel. Look my way. Stare into my big brown eyes.

Your typing is getting more aggressive. Am I right or am I right.

Rachel I can stop anytime. Just tell me where the book is.

Rachel.

Give me attention.

Give in.

Just this once.

Rachel.

Hand the power to me, it's ok. I got this.

All you gotta do is open a new message, type in where you've hidden the book and then send it to me.

It'll take you less than a minute.

And then all this'll stop and your inbox will be back to its usual ordered self.

Or maybe you like this?

You got a special folder for all my emails?

With a star next to it?

Cos you've got a crush on me?

Rachel.

You feeling a bit out of control?

Sucks man.

Also yo, have you always worn heels since birth?

They look painful.

Very aggressive like your hair.

Ah shite.

My laptop's gonna run out of battery and I lent my charger to Cosima.

Yeah so you've won the battle but you haven't won the war.

I'll be back.

[Rachel Duncan voice] WE ARE GOING TO COME TO TERMS.

Big proclone dork.

* * *

To: Sarah Manning

From: Rachel Duncan

I am plotting your untimely demise as I type this.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Helena

excuse me hello no i don't know about book

* * *

To: Helena

From: Rachel Duncan

Helena, this is Rachel Duncan. You've sent your message to the wrong person again. Please find Cosima and ask her for assistance.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Helena

who is cosmina

* * *

To: Helena

From: Rachel Duncan

You know who Cosima is. We have lived with her for two weeks. She's the one with glasses and dreadlocks who swings her hands around as if she's in shock from having an apoplexy whenever she speaks.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Helena

hello excuse me i don't know where book is

* * *

To: Helena

From: Rachel Duncan

This is still Rachel Duncan. You've sent the message to me again.

**Please find Cosima.**

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Helena

i don't know about book i only have bible and very hungry caterpillar

* * *

To: Cosima Niehaus

From: Rachel Duncan

Would you please find Helena and help her with her emails. She's repeatedly sending messages to me instead of Delphine.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Cosima Niehaus

I'm not doing anything until you give me that book back, ayyyyyy.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Helena

book not here i'm sorry

* * *

To: Cosima Niehaus

From: Rachel Duncan

I can't give you the book until Sarah apologises and improves her conduct. It's a matter of principle.

However the situation with Helena is rather dire and your help in the matter would be appreciated.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Cosima Niehaus

No can do, sorry. Gotta have that book for Delphine.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Alison Hendrix

Sorry to interrupt but Helena keeps emailing me instead of you. Something about Cosima having an apoplexy? I'm assuming she's got the wrong end of the stick again - BUT PLEASE INFORM ME IMMEDIATELY IF COSIMA **IS** HAVING AN APOPLEXY!

I hope your work is going well,

A. Hendrix

* * *

To: Alison Hendrix

From: Rachel Duncan

Cosima is not having an apoplexy, there is no need to worry yourself.

Helena is also emailing me instead of Delphine. I've asked Cosima for assistance but she has declined. Perhaps you can sway her on the matter better than I can?

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Helena

i have moss and twig

* * *

To: Alison Hendrix

From: Rachel Duncan

A brief update into the Helena situation: She apparently has moss and at least one twig, which leads me to believe she is attempting to construct a nest for birds in her room again.

We all know how that ended last time so I suggest a more urgent response from Cosima if at all possible and also the inclusion of Sarah.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Alison Hendrix

Cosima is on the move as I type this and I've texted Sarah.

A. Hendrix

* * *

To: Alison Hendrix

From: Rachel Duncan

Sarah managed to break her mobile yesterday, if you recall. She accidentally dropped it into Felix's drink because she is an idiot.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Alison Hendrix

Oh effing christ. I can't find her and there are pigeons in Helena's room.

A. Hendrix

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Alison Hendrix

I REPEAT THERE ARE PIGEONS IN HELENA'S ROOM.

A. Hendrix

* * *

To: Alison Hendrix

From: Rachel Duncan

Sarah is literally in her room, I can see her peering round her door and laughing.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Alison Hendrix

Oh yes, my mistake. Thanks for the help.

A. Hendrix

* * *

To: Alison Hendrix

From: Rachel Duncan

Please stop talking to her about your oatmeal porridge and start tackling the pigeon invasion. I can hear you from here.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Alison Hendrix

From: Rachel Duncan

Cosima is also screaming and the two of you seem too wrapped up in your conversation to notice.

If she was not suffering from an apoplexy before, she might be now.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Alison Hendrix

Yes alright - we're on it!

A. Hendrix

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Helena

the people are here and they make me send a sorry email to you. i am sorry for the messages about book. they show me how to use email again. cosmina is here and she has dreadlocks like you said and its nice. i felt one and it was soft. they have taken my birds away.

* * *

To: Helena

From: Rachel Duncan

Apology noted.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Helena

i also found book and cosmina was happy. she said you would be mad and everyone is celebrating.

* * *

To: Helena

From: Rachel Duncan

Where did you find the book and how?

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Helena

looking in garden for bird things and it was there in bush

* * *

To: Helena

From: Rachel Duncan

This is highly unfortunate and you have ruined many of my plans.

You may not sit in my lap for the foreseeable future.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Helena

this is ok i have jello. seestra gave it to me as prize for finding book. she is going to teach me about different birds now goodbye

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Cosima Niehaus

Yo we found the book no thanks to you, so you can stop acting all high and mighty.

Also Sarah told me to tell you: 'Suck on that Rachel Dun**can't'**.

* * *

To: Cosima Niehaus

From: Rachel Duncan

How very clever.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Cosima Niehaus

Hey, we're all still in Helena's room and Delphine's here too. We're telling Helena about all the birds there are. She only thought there were like three different kinds of bird so her mind is BLOWN.

Like hella birds, am I right?

Anyway, you wanna come join?

* * *

To: Cosima Niehaus

From: Rachel Duncan

No thank you, I am still working.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Cosima Niehaus

Awww come on! Alison's doing bird call impressions and it's the best thing I've ever seen.

* * *

To: Cosima Niehaus

From: Rachel Duncan

Absolutely not.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Cosima Niehaus

We're in a heap on the bed and we've left room for you. Helena even said "Where is window woman?"

(She means you.)

* * *

To: Cosima Niehaus

From: Rachel Duncan

That is not my name.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Cosima Niehaus

I'm sensing negative vibes so I've sent Sarah to come and get you.

She's like your fav, right?

* * *

To: Cosima Niehaus

From: Rachel Duncan

I've never disliked anybody more.

Rachel Duncan.

* * *

To: Rachel Duncan

From: Cosima Niehaus

Great, well I'll see you soon. We've got jello.

Ollie OUT.

* * *

It was the middle of the night. Everybody had fallen asleep on Helena's bed, in a very haphazard yet oddly comfortable manner. Even Rachel was tucked in firmly between Alison and Helena, having eventually given in to everyone's pleads for her to stay on the grounds that they all shut up, stopped complaining and let her get some rest so she could continue her work early in the morning.

She looked remarkably relaxed and content when she was unconscious, Sarah thought to herself as she cautiously edged out of the bed and tiptoed to the door, but then that was probably because it was the only time her brain stopped working at double time, formulating a million little plans as if she were presiding over an immense game of chess.

But she hadn't planned for this.

Sarah grinned mischievously as she darted into the kitchen, sitting at the head of the table where Rachel had left her laptop open (having been unceremoniously dragged away from it earlier by Sarah). Unfortunately the screen was now blank, so Sarah wiggled the cursor until the log in screen popped up.

Shite, what would Rachel's password be?

Sarah paused. Looked deep in thought. Hovered her fingertips over the keyboard and then -

SLAM DUNCAN

Rachel's inbox popped up immediately. Sarah smirked. She knew Rachel liked that nickname really.

But now was not the time to dwell on that. She didn't have long, what with Rachel automatically waking up at five in the morning to get her first hit of coffee for the day. No, now was time to - !

* * *

It was at exactly 5:08am when everyone in the house was awoken by a terrible, anguished wail that sounded as if it had come from the pits of Hell itself. It was a sound that set everyone's hearts racing in fear and confusion because it had come from Rachel Duncan - and Rachel Duncan did not wail.

What had happened to make her lose her cool temperament? What possible hideous spectacle could she have been confronted with?

The group stumbled out of Helena's room and down the hallway, with the exception of Sarah who was conveniently missing. Alison was leading at the front, brandishing one of Helena's stuffed toys in the optimistic hope it might be useful to hurl at the potential danger they were charging into. However, when they arrived at the scene of the crime there seemed to be no threat of danger at all. In fact nothing seemed to be different than usual except for Rachel staring at her laptop screen as if her entire world had come crashing down around her.

"Hey, what's happened?" Cosima asked, thinking Rachel might have received some terrible news from DYAD that concerned all of them.

This was not the case however. Something far more dreadful had happened.

Rachel rose to her feet, her grief quickly spiralling into rage. Her eyes snapped to the door at the end of the hallway, two words erupting from her mouth with such venom it didn't seem possible, "SARAH MANNING."

The group quickly moved out of her way as she stormed towards Sarah's room, slamming the door open. She was barely even recognizable as Rachel, such was her loss of control over her emotions. The door just as quickly shut itself again, so nobody saw what happened inside but there were definite sounds of a struggle and Sarah yelling, "IT WAS A PRANK YOU FUCKIN' DORK, NOT A DECLARATION OF WAR" and "WHERE DID THAT GUN EVEN COME FROM."

Cosima had leant forwards to take a look at the laptop screen and after a moment or two of scrolling she let out a small "...Ah."

Alison and Delphine huddled closer to her, trying to get a better view of the laptop themselves, whilst Helena took the seat. The group stared at the screen. Saw Rachel's inbox. Saw the folders which had been relabelled various things ('BORING', 'MORE BORING', 'SCIENCE I GUESS', 'NERD STUFF', 'I LOVE SARAH', 'ONE PICTURE OF A CAT FROM HELENA', 'PROCLONE THINGS', 'RACHEL IS A DORK', 'BUTTS' - the list went on). Saw the jumbled ordering system. Everything was dated incorrectly. Everything that had been sent from Sarah had been flagged as HIGHLY IMPORTANT. It was a mess and it would take hours to go through and reorganise.

A scream of pain and the sound of something smashing into a wall.

Everyone exchanged glances.

"Back to bed then?" Alison suggested, "I have earplugs."

Cosima and Delphine nodded. "You too, meathead," Cosima said, taking Helena's hand and guiding her down the hallway. The four of them snuggled back into Helena's bed and Alison dished out the earplugs.

"Will seestra be ok?" Helena asked before everyone put them in.

The faint sound of somebody choking.

"Yeah," Cosima replied, unperturbed, as everybody got settled, "she and Rachel just need to go through a bit of damage control to work out who's top dog."


	6. TXTS OF A PR0CLON3

_The author is firstly very sorry that this chapter took so long to write, but she hopes you'll all understand and forgive her because she's been going through a very rough patch in her family life as both her mum and grandma have become very ill. She's also just finished university and been awarded a 2:1 in English and American Literature, which is wonderful but she's now mega bummed out about finishing student life which was literally the most indescribably amazing experience ever._

_To make up for the long absence, the author has made this chapter HELLA LONG. Like get yourself a cup of tea or coffee and some cake and get comfortable because your ass is gonna be sat down for some true time._

_The author also hopes she's still hip enough to remember txt speak and also finally remembers Sarah has an accent that drops the ending letter of some words and attempts to fix it from here on out._

* * *

_**Road to a Happy Clone Club: Under Construction**_

* * *

___In which Rachel's workplace behaviour comes under fire, Cosima and Sarah have extended beef, Alison indulges in an outburst about Beth, Felix enjoys making witty offhand remarks, Helena gets lost in a fridge and there's a general feeling of shade in Delphine and Siobhan's directions._

* * *

_**Six.**_

_**TXTS OF A PR0CLON3**_

* * *

"So, like, do you think it started ironically?"

"I haven't really thought about it. It irritates Daniel, I suppose, so that made it more appealing to begin with."

"Right, right," Cosima nodded enthusiastically, exhaling smoke which coiled lazily into the air, "so now it's gone too far and it's totally impacting your work life, am I right?"

Rachel, seated on the sofa opposite, eyed her clone closely, "I'd like to make it clear that I'm invaluable to DYAD and _nothing_ I do could cause them to think negatively of my professionalism."

"Oh sure, sure, but-"

"But it has made certain...ripples in the office, yes."

"Not cool," Cosima deduced with another nod, stretching her legs out onto the coffee table. Rachel viewed her bare feet with evident distaste but was apparently too focused on her own problems to cause an audible fuss.

"It's quicker, so I don't really see what the problem is," the proclone said, gaze naturally drifting to the side and out of the window, "they're always talking about cost-cutting and efficiency so here I am making the necessary changes and yet nobody will follow my lead."

"That's 'cos you're a dork, Duncan," came a cheerful voice, which inspired a deep sense of loathing and hatred within Rachel whenever she had the misfortune to hear it.

"Manning," Rachel acknowledged stiffly, refusing to tear her gaze away from the window as if to make her presence seem all the more dramatic and aloof.

"Ain't foolin' anyone, Ray Ray, we all know you're pleased to see me," Sarah said with a grin, hopping over the back of Cosima's sofa and seating herself comfortably beside her, "what're you two nerds talkin' about anyway?"

"Like, misinterpreted communication, social conventions and expected normative behaviour in workplace environments-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Cosima. In English, you weirdo."

"Oh, right," Cosima waved her hands vaguely around in the air for a moment as she grasped for wording more on Sarah's level, "like, I guess, texting."

"Textin'?"

"Right."

"All you were tryin' to say was textin'?"

"Yeah, dude."

Sarah stared at Cosima. Stared long and hard. Stared as if she was unable to quite process the fact they were biologically identical. Slowly turned her attention to Rachel, who was still staring intently out the window, "Thought you didn't like textin', Duncan?"

"Incorrect as usual, Sarah. I simply don't like texting any of you."

_"Owch,"_ Sarah said in feigned pain, clutching at her heart as if mortally wounded, "oh shite, I don't know how I'll cope with the news, Cos."

"It's a bummer for sure," Cosima replied, grinning mischievously and wriggling her bared toes as if to try and inspire a little more annoyance out of the emotionless proclone before them.

"You both lack maturity and I refuse to continue this conversation any longer," Rachel announced, attention finally torn from the window as she prepared to elegantly get to her feet and sweep out of the room.

Sarah, as always, had other ideas. "Oi, don't be so skittish, we're only playin'," she said, holding her hands up in innocence, "not our fault you haven't been feelin' all dominant like since I kicked your ass over that email prank."

"Which makes it the _second_ time you've had your ass kicked by Sarah," Cosima added helpfully and not without a slight hint of admiration.

"I did not have my 'ass kicked'," Rachel replied gracefully, though her tone had a rather more dangerous edge to it, "I made tactful decisions based on the circumstances I was thrown into."

"Uh, you literally threw _yourself_ into the second ass kickin' and you were too busy being knocked out to make any 'tactful decisions' during the first ass kickin'," Sarah commented matter-of-factly, "you _definitely_ had your ass kicked both times. By me."

Rachel shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She'd never been one to accept the embarrassing truths in her life, instead rejecting them for a controlled, somewhat artificial sort of existence that relied heavily on an inflated sense of self-importance. "You're just jealous that I don't send _you_ any texts."

"Like fuck I am."

"In fact you're always seeking my attention. It's rather tiresome."

"Why'd I want any texts from you, you big proclone dork?"

Rachel didn't reply, but a very vague hint of a smile was tugging at her lips. A smile that said _triumph_.

Sarah couldn't stand it. Sarah _wouldn't_ stand it.

"You shut your face, Duncan."

"I'm not saying anything."

"Yeah, well I know what you're thinkin'."

"I highly doubt that."

"I don't want any of your shitty texts, alright?"

"Yes, you've made that quite clear," Rachel replied good-naturedly, "A bit _too_ clear-"

"Duncan, I'll punch you in the face-"

"Hey, hey, hey, guys, _hey_," Cosima interrupted, flailing her hands about with such enthusiasm she almost slapped Sarah in the face, "no more fighting. We're supposed to be pulling together, not biting each other's heads off. Like, the tension you two create is unreal."

"Yeah well you're the resident stoner," Sarah snapped back, swatting at Cosima's flying hands irritably, "maybe you should put your talents to good use and roll another for Rachel-"

"Rachel? _High?"_ The idea seemed entirely mindboggling and implausible to the dreadlocked clone. She glanced briefly in Rachel's direction, in a sort of bewildered and almost disorientated manner, before focusing once more on the brunette beside her. And _holy shit, Sarah's expression was deadly serious_. No. No, no, no, no. Cosima wouldn't have it. The sheer _insanity_ of Sarah's suggestion had to be explained. There were hard facts behind Cosima's reasoning - _science to be shared._

There was no time to lose. Apparently having forgotten Rachel was still in the room with them, or perhaps having just relegated such knowledge to the back of her mind in the name of _explaining things because she was always right and Sarah wasn't,_ Cosima's hand movements became so erratic she threatened to take off entirely.

_"She barely moves as it is, Sarah,"_ Cosima began emphatically, every gesture a blur, "like she could technically be classified as comatose, you know? Some of the notes on her got sent to Delphine by accident - I know, right? I'll forward them to you they're _hella rad_ - and it turns out it was _routine procedure for colleagues to think she'd died during meetings. _Like, because she just literally wouldn't move for hours at a time. There's whole case files of high powered business people _totally losing their shit_ because she's just sat in her chair with her eyes staring out towards a window unblinkingly and it doesn't even look like she's breathing and people have called for ambulances, Sarah. _People have called for ambulances._ That's how catatonic she can be. I mean you've seen it yourself, the only time she moves is to drift over to stand by a window if shit's going down or she gets a phone call. It totally isn't normal and I don't want to be held responsible for exaggerating any odd behaviours she already has, ok? I mean I'd _love_ to rig her up to some neuroimaging equipment and see what happens if she had a joint but like, from a medical and scientific viewpoint, I think chances are she'd reach some kind of insane nirvana like level of detachment and apathy and just straight up _die-"_

_"I'm still here,"_ Rachel commented icily, shooting a glare towards Cosima that was so intense it caused the clone's elaborate hand gestures to freeze midair.

"I...uh...yeah, right, sorry," Cosima said awkwardly, her hands slowly and gingerly being lowered by Sarah, "got a bit carried away, I guess."

Rachel made no reply but continued to glare as if her entire life depended on it. Cosima gave a dorky, apologetic grin. Rachel's eyes narrowed. Cosima's expression descended into a frown. Rachel didn't blink. Cosima glowered back at her. The tension between the two was _so_ apparent it felt like an actual physical force pressing down on everyone.

Sarah glanced between the two, wondering briefly if this was how everyone else felt when she and Rachel got locked into one of their staring contests. She cleared her throat after a few seconds, hoping to diffuse the situation with a few carefully placed words, "Bet you can't text for shit, Duncan."

"I'm more than adequate at texting actually, thank you," Rachel replied, not breaking Cosima's gaze for a second, "_and_ smoking."

To this breaking news Cosima let out a slightly disbelieving, but nonetheless thrilled, comment of _"No way,"_ and found herself becoming instantly more interested in Rachel's existence than she had only a few seconds before.

Sarah, however, didn't seem to be as invested in the revelation as her dreadlocked clone was, instead remaining far more concerned about Rachel's texting situation. _"Pfft,_ whatever," she said with a shrug, leaning forwards to grab a handful of crisps from the bowl on the coffee table, "probably takes you like a year to type a message."

"Incorrect again, Sarah. My problems stem from typing messages _too_ efficiently."

"How the hell d'ya type a message _too efficiently?"_

"Text speak," Cosima clarified with a lazy grin, in a slightly dreamy tone that indicated her imagination was still running riot with the possibilities of a high Rachel Duncan, "she uses it all the time. The turtle emoji's get totally annoying after a day or two though."

Sarah didn't quite know which part of Cosima's explanation was the most offensive and, after a second or two of severe inner struggle and turmoil, she decided it was all of it. "Wait...she...you..._does_ _she text you?_ You text each other?"

"Yeah, dude. For like, two weeks now."

"You text each other and Miss Cold Bitch over here uses text speak?"

"Yeah, it's cool man."

"No this isn't 'cool', Cos, it's _fuckin' weird-"_

"Do I detect a hint of jealousy again, Sarah?" Rachel's velvety voice interrupted, eyes now resting on the other clone as a very vague expression of amusement flit across her face.

Sarah scowled back at her, "No."

"I think I do."

"Yeah well you don't."

"She texts _all of us _now," Cosima said, blissfully unaware of the total and utter annihilation of Sarah's dignity beside her, "like keep up on the hype, Sarah."

Unfortunately for everyone, Sarah evidently had _no_ intentions of 'keeping up on the hype' in a calm and rational manner. She was instead doing her best not to feel mortally offended, which was an endeavour that proved impossible when faced with a Rachel Duncan who was just _exuding_ smugness and triumph. In fact that was a natural air that seemed to follow Rachel wherever she went, but it was particularly prominent _now_.

"Well why the fuck didn't I get the memo that Lady Icicle Tits over here has started textin' instead of emailin'?" Sarah demanded unhappily, looking like a child about to indulge in a tantrum.

"I don't know, I just assumed you knew," Cosima replied, feeling rather under attack for something that wasn't her fault, "we've got a Whatsapp group and everything."

"Oh for fuck's sake, Cos!"

"Yell at her, not me!"

"You could've added me to the group, y'know! Christ, would've thought you'd be usin' that inflated brain of yours to figure somethin' like that out. Not exactly rocket science is it-"

Cosima took a moment to stare deeply and heartrendingly into Sarah's eyes, "I won't apologise for my Whatsapp groups, ok?"

To this, Sarah seemed to be under a very great strain to control herself and _not_ punch Cosima directly in the face. Had it been anyone else she might have engaged in a full on brawl but Cosima was ill and also adjusting her glasses and doing her stupid dorky scrunched up turtle face, so Sarah decided to simply take a deep, calming breath and reply, "Shittin' hell, Cos, you've gotta stop usin' that as an excuse for everythin'."

Before Cosima had time to leap to her own defence, however, there was a sudden buzzing noise from Sarah's direction. Sarah looked as equally surprised as her dreadlocked clone at the sound and fumbled about in a pocket to retrieve her mobile. Glancing down at the screen, she saw:

** SlamDuncan/10:42AM**

BABY

A very long pause as the message sunk in. Sarah slowly raised her head to meet Rachel's emotionless eyes, mobile still clutched tightly in her grasp. "...The fuck, Rachel?"

"I think I made my sentiments on the matter quite clear."

"This is the first text you willingly send me and you're callin' me a baby?"

"No, that's not what I said."

"Totally exactly what you said," Cosima responded, having leant into Sarah to get a good view of the mobile screen.

"You tryin' to start a fight with me or hit on me, Ray Ray, 'cos I'm kinda confused over here-"

"Being annoyed by you," Rachel interrupted firmly and exasperatedly, as if she'd spent a lifetime surrounded by complete imbeciles, "that's what it means."

A moment of quiet reflection. Cosima let out an interested acknowledgment of _"Hm,"_ as if moderately impressed with Rachel's text speak savvy, while Sarah continued down her well trodden track of annoyance and disbelief at the proclone's existence by replying, "Nah that's bullshit, I haven't heard of that kinda text speak before and I've been in _drug rings-"_

"I'm very well versed in text speak, thank you Sarah. I know what I'm talking about," Rachel's calm voice cut in, in an almost dismissive manner that suggested she didn't rate Sarah's opinion at all. Her gaze shifted back to the window, which never failed to hold her attention above all else, and she gave a small, content sigh that erred on the side of victory.

A few minutes of silence. Cosima had nestled comfortably into Sarah's side and was idly flicking through a science magazine all about evolution and DNA. Sarah, who had been glowering at Rachel's side profile, lowered her head and began focusing intently on her mobile once again.

_Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap._

_ Bzzzzzzz._

Rachel slowly tore her gaze away from the window and looked at her mobile.

**PunkRockHo/10:51AM**

^URS PROCLONE

* * *

**FreakyLeekie/11:25AM**

It is with great annoyance that I must inform you that DYAD Institute is being dragged into yet _another_ legal battle about 'ethics' and 'morally grey areas'. I don't know what the fuss is all about - something about human testing gone wrong?

**SlamDuncan/11:26AM**

Idk.

**FreakyLeekie/11:26AM**

Rachel, we've already talked about this. Text speak isn't really suitable when discussing work related matters.

**SlamDuncan/11:27AM**

Idc.

**SlamDuncan/11:27AM**

It saves time.

**FreakyLeekie/11:29AM**

We'll discuss this further during the next board meeting.

**FreakyLeekie/11:29AM**

What I really wanted to tell you is that we're holding a conference in a week so I can give another speech about pushing the boundaries of science and how it's our _duty_ to explore the possibilities of neolution.

**FreakyLeekie/11:30AM**

Reassure the media and keep the peace and all that.

**FreakyLeekie/11:30AM**

It would be appreciated if you were on board and also gave a presentation.

**SlamDuncan/11:31AM**

Ofc.

**SlamDuncan/11:31M**

Time?

**FreakyLeekie/11:32AM**

My speech is at noon and will last an hour. There is a 1:30pm - 2:00pm slot available before Marion Bowles gives a brief speech via skype.

** SlamDuncan/11:32AM**

O gr8, another condescending Bowles prezzo.

**FreakyLeekie/11:32AM**

I'm going to pretend I didn't read that, Rachel. But there are only so many times I can remind you that she is our superior without there being repercussions.

**SlamDuncan/11:32AM**

W/eva. I'm on board.

**FreakyLeekie/11:33AM**

Good. What will your presentation be titled?

** SlamDuncan/11:33AM**

Double Glazing our Future through Neolution

**FreakyLeekie/11:34AM**

Double glazing?

**SlamDuncan/11:35AM**

Sry.

**SlamDuncan/11:35AM**

I meant safeguarding.

**SlamDuncan/11:35AM**

Got distracted.

**SlamDuncan/11:36AM**

They have beautiful windows here tho, u should come & see 4 urself.

**FreakyLeekie/11:37AM**

I've said this before and I feel I must say it again, our HR team is more than happy to help you with any issues you are going through. Including obsessive tendencies towards windows.

**SlamDuncan/11:39AM**

H/P.

**FreakyLeekie/11:41AM**

'Hold Please' is not an acceptable response, Rachel.

**SlamDuncan/11:41AM**

H/P.

** FreakyLeekie/11:41AM**

This behaviour really does have to stop at some point, you know.

* * *

**TopSide/12:00PM**

Rachel this is Marion Bowles. You do realize that I can read all of your texts, don't you? It was in the confidentiality agreement you signed. Right at the bottom in tiny letters. On a separate page that was still in my office where you possibly couldn't have seen it.

**SlamDuncan/12:00PM**

H/P.

**TopSide/12:01PM**

Not appropriate behaviour, Rachel.

**SlamDuncan/12:01PM**

H/P.

**TopSide/12:01PM**

Not appropriate.

* * *

**SoccerBitch/12:09PM**

Can you please stop changing the room temperature to 69? It's too warm and Sarah won't stop making inappropriate jokes.

** SlamDuncan/12:15PM**

No it's the perf temp.

** SoccerBitch/12:18PM**

Can we lower it by one degree? Just one?

** SlamDuncan/12:18PM**

No.

**SlamDuncan/12:18PM**

68 is inexcusable.

** SoccerBitch/12:19PM**

Is this about that time Sarah broke into your apartment?

** SlamDuncan/12:21:PM**

I have ur files on my laptop screen & I'm ready 2 authorise ur termination.

** SoccerBitch/12:21PM**

69 is fine.

* * *

** GeekMonkey/13:42PM**

did you take the saliva samples i collected from everyone?

**GeekMonkey/13:42PM**

not cool

** SlamDuncan/13:43PM**

DYAD repossessed them.

** GeekMonkey/13:44PM**

repossessed them?

**GeekMonkey/13:44PM**

that's not a thing

** GeekMonkey/13:44PM**

like totally not a thing

** SlamDuncan/13:46PM**

Don't question me.

** GeekMonkey/13:47PM**

i want them back

** SlamDuncan/13:47PM**

No.

** GeekMonkey/13:47PM**

you're literally so difficult

** SlamDuncan/13:47PM**

Ur so difficult.

** GeekMonkey/13:48PM**

this isn't constructive rachel

** SlamDuncan/13:50PM**

[turtle emoji]

** GeekMonkey/13:51PM**

stop doing that!

** SlamDuncan/13:51PM**

[turtle emoji]

* * *

** AngryAngel/14:00PM**

no milk

** SlamDuncan/14:00PM**

Is that a question or a statement?

** AngryAngel/14:01PM**

where to find milk

** SlamDuncan/14:01PM**

Helena this isn't Google

** AngryAngel/14:02PM**

no milk in fridge

** SlamDuncan/14:02PM**

Just go 2 shop & buy more

** AngryAngel/14:03PM**

i am lost

** SlamDuncan/14:03PM**

No ur not Helena, I can c u looking in the fridge.

**SlamDuncan/14:03PM**

I'm literally sat the kitchen table behind u.

**AngryAngel/14:05PM**

it is cold and no milk and ham

**AngryAngel/14:06PM**

where is kitchen table

**SlamDuncan/14:06PM**

Behind u.

**SlamDuncan/14:07PM**

No Helena. BEHIND U.

**SlamDuncan/14:07PM**

That's not behind u that's in front of u.

**SlamDuncan/14:07PM**

No Helena.

**SlamDuncan/14:08PM**

NO.

* * *

**CloneClu****b Whatsapp Group**

**Rachel Duncan**

Assistance pls. (14:09)

**Delphine Cormier**

How can I help? (14:09)

**Rachel Duncan**

No not u. (14:10)

**Delphine Cormier**

Oh. (14:10)

**Rachel Duncan**

Ur not even a clone.

U don't go here. (14:10)

**Cosima Niehaus**

dude, she's an honorary member

like chillax she's my girlfriend (14:11)

**Sarah Manning**

yeah back off bitch tits (14:11)

**Cosima Niehaus**

sick one sarah (14:11)

**Sarah Manning**

ayyyyy (14:11)

**Cosima Niehaus**

aaAAAYYYYYYYYY (14:12)

** Rachel Duncan**

Brb. (14:12)

**Delphine Cormier**

AAAAYYYYY (14:12)

**Cosima Niehaus**

oh puppy no, you can't do that (14:12)

** Delphine Cormier**

Oh. (14:12)

**Cosima Niehaus**

kinda can't pull it off

and you were a bit late (14:12)

**Delphine Cormier**

:( (14:12)

**Cosima Niehaus**

i still love you though (14:13)

**Delphine Cormier**

:)

Je t'aime ma chérie 3 (14:13)

**Cosima Niehaus**

01001001 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 (14:13)

**Sarah Manning**

the fuck was that

you just fall asleep on your phone or some shit (14:14)

**Alison Hendrix**

OH GOD SHE HASN'T DIED HAS SHE? (14:14)

**Sarah Manning**

christ alison calm down (14:14)

**Alison Hendrix**

COSIMA PLEASE REPLY IF YOU'RE NOT DEAD

SHE'S NOT REPLYING I'M VERY WORRIED (14:14)

**Sarah Manning**

well you've hardly given her a second (14:15)

**Alison Hendrix**

I'M COMING TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW (14:15)

**Felix Dawkins**

Keeping up with you lot is harder than keeping up with the kardashians I swear to god (14:16)

**Sarah Manning**

what the fuck fe (14:16)

**Felix Dawkins**

? (14:16)

**Sarah Manning**

how long have you been part of this whatsapp group then

a week?

two weeks?

a year? (14:16)

**Felix Dawkins**

Just a week Sarah I'm sure you'll be pleased to hear (14:17)

**Sarah Manning**

well that's a week longer than me and i'm one of the bloody clones

the whatsapp group is called CLONE CLUB

not invite the whole world and their cats and dogs but not sarah manning

WHO HAPPENS TO BE A CLONE (14:17)

**Felix Dawkins**

Has she been in a foul mood all day or have I just stepped into the whatsapp version of Jeremy Kyle? (14:18)

**Cosima Niehaus**

preeeetttyy bad, yeah. it started with talking to rachel tbh

also i'm not dead and i've calmed alison down

oh and that was binary code for 'i love you'

hella rad am i right? (14:18)

**Felix Dawkins**

Geeky but romantic

I could see myself getting behind it after a few martini's (14:19)

**Cosima Niehaus**

3 (14:19)

**Sarah Manning**

cos did you add felix to this group (14:19)

** Cosima Niehaus**

yeah man

why? (14:19)

**Sarah Manning**

shit

SHIT A BRICK

the fuck was wrong with adding me to the group too?

add fe but not his sister what's wrong with you all?! (14:20)

**Cosima Niehaus**

whoooaaaaaaa i sense so much negativity right now (14:20)

**Sarah Manning**

well obviously what did you expect i've been completely sidelined over here

only got ass close to death a bunch of times for you weirdos

didn't ask for a thank you

didn't even ask for a cake though one MIGHT HAVE BEEN NICE ALISON

but i sorta expected to be included in any whatsapp groups that popped up (14:21)

**Rachel Duncan**

Yes it must have been awful 4 u Sarah

I half expected 2 c Beth Childs added 2 the group b4 u tbh (14:22)

**Alison Hendrix**

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY (14:22)

**Sarah Manning**

oh shite

when did they both get back on their mobiles (14:22)

**Felix Dawkins**

Too soon

Both in relation to them being on their phones and the proclone's comment (14:23)

**Alison Hendrix**

YOU ARE SHAMEFUL

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED

AND DISHONOURED

DISHONOUR ON YOU

ON YOUR FAMILY (14:23)

** Cosima Niehaus**

ON YOUR COW (14:24)

**Alison Hendrix**

COSIMA? (14:24)

**Cosima Niehaus**

mulan reference

sorry probably not the best time (14:24)

** Alison Hendrix**

BETH CHILDS WAS AN UPSTANDING

OUTSTANDING

INTELLIGENT

NO NONSENSE CITIZEN

SHE RESPECTED ME

SHE RESPECTED MY CHILDREN

SHE RESPECTED MY HOUSE

SHE RESPECTED MY FURNITURE

SHE NEVER MADE A MESS

SHE NEVER MADE ME FEEL INFERIOR

WE WATCHED GREY'S ANATOMY TOGETHER

SHE WAS KIND

AND GENUINE

AND SMELT LIKE PINE NEEDLES (14:25)

**Sarah Manning**

alright ali we get it, you both digged each other (14:25)

**Alison Hendrix**

SHE BROUGHT ICE CREAM ONCE

WHEN I WAS STILL TRYING TO COME TO TERMS WITH IT ALL

AND I CRIED ALL OVER HER SPOON AS I ATE

AND SHE LET ME KEEP THE SPOON

WHICH I WILL NEVER FORGET BECAUSE IT WAS SO KIND

AND WE WERE STILL STRANGERS

SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ME

BUT SHE LET ME KEEP HER SPOON (14:26)

**Sarah Manning**

she probably didn't want it back cos you blubbered all over it (14:26)

**Cosima Niehaus**

sarah! (14:27)

**Sarah Manning**

well someone's gotta say it (14:27)

**Alison Hendrix**

NO YOU'RE WRONG

IT WAS A KIND GESTURE

FROM A GENEROUS, BEAUTIFUL AND COURAGEOUS SPIRIT (14:28)

**Sarah Manning**

fucking hell (14:28)

**Cosima Niehaus**

they were hella tight sarah

like HELLA (14:29)

**Sarah Manning**

yeah i kinda gathered from that outburst thanks cos (14:29)

**Cosima Niehaus**

seriously though

#hella (14:29)

**Rachel Duncan**

I stand by what I said.

Also Helena is in the fridge & has been 4 some time. (14:30)

**Siobhan Sadler**

She likes fridges, it's best to let her be (14:30)

** Sarah Manning**

ARE YOU LITERALLY TAKING THE PISS (14:31)

**Siobhan Sadler**

Watch your tone young lady, I have every right to be in this group (14:31)

**Sarah Manning**

YOU HAVE NO BLOODY RIGHT

I STILL DON'T KNOW WHOSE SIDE YOU'RE ON (14;31)

**Siobhan Sadler**

Well by that logic Rachel shouldn't be in this group either

And until she's removed, I'm staying (14:31)

** Rachel Duncan**

Props 2 u. (14:32)

**Siobhan Sadler**

Thank you, Rachel (14:32)

**Sarah Manning**

NO

NO NO NO NO NO

NO WAY

MRS. S. HAS TO GO

FE BACK ME UP (14:32)

**Felix Dawkins**

Aw I've quite liked having Mrs. S. in the group (14:32)

**Sarah Manning**

you're just saying that cos you're scared she'll rip the shit outta you next time she visits (14:33)

**Felix Dawkins**

A valid and admirable fear

I regret nothing (14:33)

**Sarah Manning**

oh go and paint another portrait of alison with a paintbrush between your asscheeks would you (14:34)

**Alison Hendrix**

Excuse me? (14:34)

**Felix Dawkins**

It was only once Alison I can assure you

And I was very VERY high (14:34)

**Alison Hendrix**

I don't know how to react to this. (14:35)

**Felix Dawkins**

Just accept it and move on

I've managed to and I still find paint between my bumcheeks every now and then (14:35)

**Alison Hendrix**

I need a drink.

This isn't good for my nerves. (14:36)

**Rachel Duncan**

Helena is still in the fridge.

CTA. (14:36)

**Sarah Manning**

cta? (14:36)

**Alison Hendrix**

Call to action. (14:36)

** Sarah Manning**

christ it's like being in the military in this house (14:36)

**Siobhan Sadler**

Go and help your sister out, love (14:37)

**Sarah Manning**

why me?!

you're part of the group now apparently

you come and do it (14:37)

**Siobhan Sadler**

That's just impractical Sarah

I'm in Mongolia (14:37)

**Sarah Manning**

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MONGOLIA (14:38)

** Siobhan Sadler**

You don't need to know (14:38)

**Sarah Manning**

SEE THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF SHADY SHIT I'M TALKING ABOUT

and you all wonder why i have trust issues (14:38)

**Alison Hendrix**

I've always thought you're one of the most trusting of us. (14:39)

**Sarah Manning**

hell no that award goes to cosima

miss 'i know she's my monitor but YOLO' niehaus (14:30)

**Rachel Duncan**

Leekie & I loled about it 4 weeks.

#Winning. (14:30)

**Cosima Niehaus**

i won't apologise for my heart, ok? (14:30)

**Sarah Manning**

THAT'S NOT AN ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE COS (14:31)

**Helena**

help i am lost (14:31)

** Sarah Manning**

oh for fucks sake

just roll back out the fridge helena (14:31)

**Rachel Duncan**

She can't. The door shut on her. (14:32)

**Alison Hendrix**

And you just left her in there?! (14:32)

**Rachel Duncan**

F2F contact was undesirable. (14:32)

**Sarah Manning**

i know that feeling (14:32)

**Alison Hendrix**

SHE MIGHT BE FREEZING TO DEATH!

AS WE SPEAK! (14:32)

**Cosima Niehaus**

actually she'd suffocate waaaayy before she died of hypothermia

fridges aren't even that cold

it's the small space filling up with carbon dioxide that you have to worry about

sweet right? (14:33)

**Alison Hendrix**

OH MARY MOTHER OF GOD

ARE YOU TELLING ME SHE'S SUFFOCATED IN OUR FRIDGE?!

We'll have to clear everything out!

We won't be able to eat for days!

Where will we hide the body? (14:34)

**Sarah Manning**

alison calm down she's not dead, alright?

i'll go and check on her (14:34)

**Alison Hendrix**

You tell her not to go in there again!

It's not safe and I've only just bought those mushrooms for my soup!

I don't want to throw them away just because she spent too long sitting in the fridge and suffocated! (14:35)

**Cosima Niehaus**

you're having mushroom soup? (14:35)

**Alison Hendrix**

Yes, for dinner. (14:35)

**Cosima Niehaus**

like

hella mushrooms? (14:35)

**Alison Hendrix**

What do you mean 'hella mushrooms'? (14:35)

**Felix Dawkins**

She wants to know if they're magic mushrooms Alison (14:36)

**Alison Hendrix**

Oh.

OH.

No, certainly not! (14:36)

**Cosima Niehaus**

thought it sounded too good to be true :( (14:36)

**Felix Dawkins**

It was a bit of a long shot Cosima (14:36)

**Cosima Niehaus**

a girl can dream (14:36)

**Felix Dawkins**

3 (14:36)

**Cosima Niehaus**

3 (14:37)

**Sarah Manning**

right i've dragged her out the shitting fridge

she pulled half the fridge shelves down with her though

there's mushrooms everywhere (14:38)

**Alison Hendrix**

MY MUSHROOMS! (14:38)

**Delphine Cormier**

Mon dieu! (14:38)

**Alison Hendrix**

My dinner plans are ruined! (14:39)

**Delphine Cormier**

The vials! Are the vials surviving?! (14:39)

**Sarah Manning**

vials?

what the hell were vials doing in the fridge? (14:39)

**Delphine Cormier**

Nothing.

Just petit vials.

Absolutely legal vials. (14:39)

**Cosima Niehaus**

puppy? (14:50)

**Delphine Cormier**

No concern for anyone, mon amour.

Are they unharmed? (14:50)

**Sarah Manning**

smashed to pieces mate (14:50)

**Delphine Cormier**

Merde! (14:50)

**Rachel Duncan**

Did some1 say breaking vials? (14:50)

**Delphine Cormier**

Non! (14:50)

**Sarah Manning**

there's glass everywhere delphine you can hardly deny it

rachel's sat at the kitchen table she can see it all (14:51)

**Rachel Duncan**

Dr. Cormier I require ur presence.

ASAP. (14:51)

**Delphine Cormier**

Zut alors. (14:51)

**Felix Dawkins**

Why do I get a feeling of impending doom? (14:52)

**Cosima Niehaus**

i can't believe this

delphine we need to talk (14:52)

** Sarah Manning**

puppy's in the shitter now ain't she

did try and warn you cos

she's as shady as mrs. s. (14:53)

**Cosima Niehaus**

shut up sarah you're not exactly squeaky clean yourself (14:53)

**Felix Dawkins**

Ooooooooooooooh!

Claws are coming out now aren't they! (14:53)

**Sarah Manning**

what've i done wrong?! (14:53)

**Cosima Niehaus**

i heard about your kiss with delphine (14:54)

**Felix Dawkins**

WHAT

OH MY GOD

Sarah you dark horse! (14:54)

**Sarah Manning**

i was pretending to be you!

she thought i was you! (14:54)

**Cosima Niehaus**

didn't exactly try and stop it though did you (14:55)

**Sarah Manning**

i didn't want to blow my cover!

she figured it out in like five seconds anyway

seemed a bit off with me truth be told

didn't get the friendliest of vibes (14:56)

**Cosima Niehaus**

yeah

well i've got my eye on you (14:56)

**Sarah Manning**

all four of them yeah? (14:56)

**Felix Dawkins**

MeeeeOOWWW (14:56)

**Alison Hendrix**

Sarah that was completely uncalled for.

Cosima can't help being practically blind. (14:57)

**Cosima Niehaus**

hey! (14:57)

**Alison Hendrix**

Apologise immediately. (14:57)

**Sarah Manning**

...yeah alright

sorry cos

that was a bit of a low blow (14:58)

**Cosima Niehaus**

apology accepted

as long as you eavesdrop on rachel and delphine's conversation (14:58)

**Sarah Manning**

uggGH

fine

gimme a sec they're by one of the windows

speaking in HUSHED TONES (14:58)

**Alison Hendrix**

I'm sure it's nothing suspicious, Cosima.

Maybe they're admiring the weather? (14:59)

**Felix Dawkins**

Yeah cos hushed tones really indicate to a leisurely conversation about the weather don't they? (14:59)

**Alison Hendrix**

Enough of your lip, Felix.

I'm still grieving for my mushrooms, I don't need your cheek as well. (14:59)

**Cosima Niehaus**

#buuuurrnn (15:00)

**Sarah Manning**

i can't really make it out while i'm trying to keep helena out the fridge

something to do with cosmetic

no wait

gemetic?

make that GENETIC

genetic

submarine? (15:02)

**Cosima Niehaus**

sarah you're totally not good at this (15:02)

**Sarah Manning**

sub?

scene?

SCREEN

GENETIC SCREENING (15:03)

**Alison Hendrix**

Oh my. (15:03)

**Sarah Manning**

blood samples? or something?

i mean it's just

science science science neolution science dna

rachel's thrown some titbit in about a salad she had for lunch

dressed herring apparently

christ

even her salads are pretentious (15:04)

**Alison Hendrix**

Were they keeping blood samples in the fridge?

In the COMMUNAL FRIDGE?! (15:04)

**Sarah Manning**

shite rachel's looking at her phone (15:05)

**Cosima Niehaus**

#busted (15:05)

**Sarah Manning**

she's not happy

they've stopped the conversation

delphine's coming to find you cos

tail between her legs and all that puppy stuff (15:06)

**Cosima Niehaus**

can't believe she didn't tell me about this

what if those were our blood samples? (15:06)

**Sarah Manning**

keep us updated yeah? (15:06)

**Cosima Niehaus**

will do

if you hear yelling it's just signs of a TOTALLY HEALTHY AND FUNCTIONING relationship ok?

no judging (15:07)

**Sarah Manning**

wouldn't dream of it (15:07)

Rachel Duncan

I think u will find the blood samples have nothing 2 do with any of u.

They're 4 something else entirely. (15:08)

**Sarah Manning**

yeah forgive me for not trusting a word you say eh ray ray? (15:08)

**Alison Hendrix**

I cannot BELIEVE you kept blood in the FRIDGE!

It's so unhygienic!

And anti-social! (15:10)

**Felix Dawkins**

Not to mention creepy (15:10)

**Rachel Duncan**

P2C2E.

It was necessary.

That is all. (15:13)

**Sarah Manning**

p2c2e? anyone? (15:14)

**Siobhan Sadler**

Process too complicated to explain, love (15:15)

**Sarah Manning**

why does it not surprise me you know all this weird text speak lingo? (15:16)

**Siobhan Sadler**

I lived through some radical times, Sarah

Many things happened in Ireland

And in London (15:18)

**Felix Dawkins**

Didn't exactly answer the question there Mrs. S. (15:18)

**Sarah Manning**

yeah

getting real tired of your vague references to some shady past mrs. s.

reeeaaaall tired (15:19)

**Rachel Duncan**

It's come to my attention that I have no food left unscathed after Helena's follies in the fridge.

Sarah? (15:20)

**Sarah Manning**

what do you mean 'sarah'? (15:20)

**Rachel Duncan**

Thoughts. (15:20)

**Sarah Manning**

if you're angling to share some of my food the answer's no

i only have one ready meal (15:20)

**Rachel Duncan**

Invitation accepted. (15:21)

** Sarah Manning**

what?

no

we're not sharing it duncan (15:21)

** Rachel Duncan**

ETA 1900hrs. (15:21)

**Sarah Manning**

i said no you big dork (15:21)

**Rachel Duncan**

DNBL8. (15:21)

**Sarah Manning**

i don't

what the bloody hell does that mean (15:22)

**Siobhan Sadler**

Do not be late (15:22)

**Sarah Manning**

great (15:22)

**Rachel Duncan**

DFU. (15:23)

**Siobhan Sadler**

Don't fuck up (15:23)

**Sarah Manning**

YEAH ALRIGHT MRS. S. YOU CAN LEAVE THE GROUP NOW (15:23)

* * *

To say that Sarah and Rachel were enjoying a meal together would have been a lie. They were sharing a meal, it was true, but only in a begrudging and vaguely hateful sort of way where they refused to talk to each other.

Rachel didn't want to open conversation because the only person to talk to was Sarah and Sarah was a stupid idiot punk who wasn't worth her time. Conversely, Sarah didn't want to open conversation with Rachel because Rachel was a big proclone nerd with a dorky proclone haircut to match.

Inconveniently, however, Sarah was eating more than her fair share of the lasagne ready meal and Rachel had never been one to let others have even the slightest of victories over her.

"It would seem your stomach is just as big as your mouth, Sarah," The blonde remarked, taking a delicate sip of water from her glass.

"Shove it, Duncan. I paid for it, I'm eatin' as much as I can," Sarah retorted in between mouthfuls, "not my fault you chew as slow as you talk."

"I don't talk slowly, I talk deliberately and with precision," Rachel said haughtily, watching Sarah eat as if it were the most disgusting display she'd seen in her life.

"Whatever," was the only reply Sarah offered, her focus lying more in trying to shovel as much food into her mouth as was humanly possible (which rather made her look the spitting image of Helena for a few seconds).

Rachel decided that fighting over the food simply wasn't worth the indignity of stooping to Sarah's ungraceful level and hurling lasagne into her mouth at full throttle, so she leant back in her chair and continued to watch her clone closely instead.

_Munch, munch, munch, munch._

"Animals in zoos eat with more etiquette."

"Bite me."

A slightly wrinkled nose in disgust at the thought.

_ Munch, munch, munch, munch._

"I updated your files today and flagged you as ready to be considered for termination."

"Yeah, kill off the fertile one. Bet that'll happen."

_Munch, munch, munch, munch._

All familiar conversational paths depleted, Rachel took a moment to try and think of something that would surely spark discussion. Simply sitting and watching Sarah eat was rather dull.

_What to say? What to say?_

_Munch, munch, munch, munch._

"So," Rachel began slowly, drawling the word out dramatically as if she were about to drop a bombshell of news, "Cosima's gay."

Sarah paused mid-chew. Met the proclone's gaze. Stared in disbelief for a moment or two before saying with complete sincerity, "Rach, we've_ 'gotta _work on your conversational skills."

* * *

**PunkRockHo/22:17PM**

oi duncan

**PunkRockHo/22:17PM**

DUNCAN

**SlamDuncan/22:18PM**

Manning.

**PunkRockHo/22:18PM**

guess what

**SlamDuncan/22:18PM**

I'm not going 2 play games with u Sarah.

**PunkRockHo/22:18PM**

DSTR8 you're not

**PunkRockHo/22:18PM**

cos i'm not gonna give you a chance

**PunkRockHo/22:18PM**

enjoy your organised messages while you can

**SlamDuncan/22:19PM**

Don't u dare.

** PunkRockHo/22:19PM**

^URS PROCLONE

** PunkRockHo/22:19PM**

^URS PROCLONE

** PunkRockHo/22:19PM**

^URS PROCLONE

** PunkRockHo/22:19PM**

^URS PROCLONE

**PunkRockHo/22:19PM**

^URS PROCLONE

** PunkRockHo/22:19PM**

^URS PROCLONE

** PunkRockHo/22:19PM**

^URS PROCLONE

** PunkRockHo/22:20PM**

^URS PROCLONE

** PunkRockHo/22:20PM**

^URS PROCLONE

**SlamDuncan/22:20PM**

We're going 2 come 2 terms about this 1 day.

** PunkRockHo/22:20PM**

^URS PROCLONE

** PunkRockHo/22:20PM**

^URS PROCLONE

** PunkRockHo/22:20PM**

^URS PROCLONE

** SlamDuncan/22:20PM**

Mark my words.

** PunkRockHo/22:20PM**

^URS PROCLONE

** PunkRockHo/22:20PM**

^URS PROCLONE

** PunkRockHo/22:20PM**

^URS PROCLONE

** PunkRockHo/22:20PM**

^URS PROCLONE

** PunkRockHo/22:20PM**

^URS PROCLONE

** SlamDuncan/22:20PM**

We r going 2 come 2 terms.

* * *

_Authors Notes: You tell her, Ray Ray. yoU TELL HER._

_Also any and all reviews are wonderful and beautiful and magical and make me feel as happy as Helena is when she's in her green parka._

_Thank you all for staying with this fic and saying such amazing things about it - I can't believe people enjoy reading this madness!_

_x_


End file.
